Unveiling the Tapestry of My Rad Life: Stoicism, Taoism, and a Splash of Hedonism

Give yourself a gift at the present moment. One of my favorite stoic quotes and the entrance into today's tenth episode Stoicism, Taoism, and a splash of hedonism. Let's do it.

All right, so I've been thinking about this episode for a long time. And when I say this episode, I mean the concept of stoicism, Taoism, and a splash of hedonism, which is sort of the way I always describe, or recently always describe, I've been living my life. Taoism has been sort of the foundational belief system that has guided me. I see it more as a way of being than any sort of religious, even or spiritual set of beliefs. And stoicism is something that in this past year I've realized I have always embodied and frankly have been stoic in a lot of ways without even knowing it.

And then hedonism, well, I'm not interested in this whole human thing unless I can have just a bit of fun. Because the principle of stoicism that I've always struggled with most is drum roll, moderation. I used to say everything in moderation, even moderation. That was my hack around it. And yet, moderation, a very important pillar. But before we dive into all the pillars of Stoicism and Taoism and Hedonism, and by the way, I'm gonna introduce these to you through a pretty epic story. I've never shared this story publicly. I've actually not shared this story with most of my community. It's a recent story, and it's um

something that I needed to process and really sit with. And now that I have, well, you can tell me if you think it's as profound as I do. But this is amazing. This is one of the best lessons of this year. And as we wrap up this season, this is episode 10. There's 13 all together. Uh, and this whole experience actually launching this podcast and doing this has been a tremendous uh accomplishment for me for a lot of reasons that I'll go over when I do my little recap episode at the end. But the point is the ideas of Stoicism, Taoism, even hedonism, there's so much

wisdom. And I always say that it's about combining the different wisdoms, right? The different traditions of wisdom. I think that we truly become masters of our life. You know, this podcast, Masterful Listening, is really all about the art of masterful listening. How do you live a masterful life? Because, you know, that sounds great, right? So for those who are new, is anyone new here at episode 10? Hell yeah, welcome. And if you're not new, welcome back. As this is a listening school, I'm always gonna give a little invitation at the end of every episode. Because if you've ever been to a good school, and tell me

if you disagree, you can tell me in the comments. Uh a good teacher always kind of introduces the lesson. I've never liked when people introduce it for too long, but I think it's important to be clear, right? Clarity is kind. I always say being direct is kind. It's actually not easy to do. Even for someone like me who's been talking about this for a long time, it can still be challenging. Sometimes I just want to dive right in. And yet, after having taught and facilitated thousands of courses now, I want to tell you what we're gonna do today. We are gonna do what we do every

episode where I'm gonna invite you to listen in a certain way. So I want you right now to just kind of get present and ask yourself if this is a good time for you to listen. Maybe you're driving and you listen really well then. Maybe you're laying in bed. Maybe you're putting your clothes away, maybe you're whatever. The point is, don't just have this on in the background. This is a listening exercise. This is a listening school and it's fun. It's just a way to practice what I believe is the one skill we don't learn: the skill of listening, masterful listening. This will help you in

so many ways, and I think you'll enjoy the story more. Also, I realized, you know, one suggestion I have is if you really are looking at this as a school versus just a cool way to learn, you know, and however you frame it, grab a notebook, take some notes. For me, when I'm in school, I always have some sort of journal or pen because it will is exciting for me when I actually hear a quote, and I'll be actually sharing quite a few quotes today. Um, I want to jot something down. Sometimes when I doodle, it actually helps me remember better. That's actually neuroscience, that's proven.

When we see something and hear it, we integrate it better into our brain. So a lot of different ways to learn. Sipping my latte. Okay, so here's how I invite you to listen masterfully. A, listen to my words. If you catch your brain getting distracted and starting to think, oh, I relate to that or what bring yourself back. Anytime you notice and you have awareness that you've at all lost my exact word, just come back. Uh, feel my energy. Pay attention to what I'm not saying. If you're watching the video, look at my face, look at my hands. How am I sitting? What's my pace? We

speak differently when I think things are emotional. Learning about what people are emotional about tells us a lot about them. Paying attention is not only like the kindest thing you can do, but it's like the smartest thing you could do. You know what I mean? So listen that way. And one more little tool I'm gonna add because we're at episode 10. This is getting to be that master level shit. Let's keep growing, right? We got those muscles. If you've heard 10 episodes, by the way, um, I bet your listening muscle has grown. And in fact, write to me. My email is listed, I think. If someone

has listened to all 10 episodes so far, I would love to hear from you. And if you share a takeaway that you've gotten, uh I'll do something fun with you, whether it's a coaching session or what, but I want to know. And uh, because this is helpful for me, by the way. This is actually, I think, wise and courageous, which those are the two pillars of stoicism, in addition to justice and moderation, which we're gonna talk about in just a moment. Here's the other way I want you to listen today. I want you to put on your compassion lens. What do I mean by that? This

story that I'm gonna tell you is a story of what happened this year when I uh started and graduated from a program about applied compassion at Stanford Medical School, where I met someone in my program and developed a relationship with them. I didn't really share the details with anyone, especially in the program, because I didn't want to add in a biased perspective, which frankly went from me really, really liking this person. I've even, yeah, I'd say loving on some human level to realizing that the stoic man I met and invited to literally fly across the world and live with me ended up being, in my, I

would say humble and yet very educated opinion, a borderline narcissist. And I joked, but it was kind of funny, but kind of not that I went to compassion school and got that PhD, just like I accidentally went to the University of Life and got my PhD in depression. Interestingly in love, in love, interestingly enough, I think getting that uh metaphorical compassion PhD was even harder. Uh, and yet what helped me through it was this ingrained way of being of stoic, Taoist, and a splash of hedonistic. Um, and so I want to share that with you because it's worked very well for me. This is the first

time I navigated a massive disappointment and heartbreak without falling into a dungeon of despair. I gotta say, that in itself is incredible. So also I do want to say that this person who inspired a lot of the story, thank you. You were honestly my stoic teacher. I thought you would teach me stoicism, but instead you showed me what stoicism isn't and what it could be. And now I'm even more inspired to genuinely lean in and share this message. So I sure, sure, show so I share this message from a place of gratitude. And I always say, if I can share what happened to me vulnerably, authentically,

truthfully, and it helps others not have to go through that, great. And of course, go through what you're gonna go through, but it might help you navigate some of these intricacies of life uh with a bit more presence and wisdom and courage and acceptance and you know, splash of fun here and there. Uh, so put on your compassion lens. And what that means is compassion isn't a feeling, like empathy. There's a really, really, really, really, I'm my words are being funny today because this is emotional for me. Wow, I'm even noticing my like chest is a little more like a hint of anxiety, but not like

in a bad way and like uh excited. And when things are important to us, we feel more feelings, you know. Um, back to the compassion. Compassion is an action, compassion isn't just a feeling, empathy is like I feel what you feel. Compassion is wow, I'm here with you. I can sense and hear that you're suffering or you're this or you're that. And how can I help? So when I say I want you to listen through a compassionate lens, I mean like right now, let's put on our compassion glasses. I wish I had a pair of glasses to just put on, but I'm gonna just do it.

Here we go. My uh invisible glasses. Go ahead and do that, lift your hands, pretend you're putting on some glasses, and listen through that part of you that has ever felt for someone and wanted to help them, and then could kind of surrender. And the first step to really helping anyone compassionately is listening to them. So I've shared a little bit of context with you for 12 minutes so that you actually could check in. Can you and are you interested in hearing a story about uh compassion and heartbreak and stoicism and narcissism that was pretty much traumatizing, but ultimately super inspiring? There's a massive lesson. And

at the end, I'm gonna do a little recap and I'm gonna give you some homework. Okay, I think that is all that I wanted to say. So I'm gonna start my tale with a quote.

Which one do I want to share? Let's see. Yeah, let's go with this one because my foundation was Taoism and is Taoism. But knowing others is intelligence, knowing yourself is true wisdom, but mastering others uh strength, mastering yourself is true power. If you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich. If you stay in the center and embrace death with your whole heart, you will endure forever. That is one of my favorite Taoist sayings, quotes, messages. It's uh from my little Tao Dijing by Stephan Mitchell, little pocket edition. I've literally had this book in my pocket for 18 years now. It's like tattered. Look at

this, I'm showing it. Literally, it's like just it's been with me all over the world because the wisdom in this book, and I have at the very front like a few passages that I wrote down 9, 11, 13, 44, and 33. Those of all of them really stood out. But anytime I look at these words, look at this. I just flipped to 47. The more you know, the less you understand.

Oh, did you see that cough that came out? I feel like that was some more purging of all, you know, life. Without opening your door, you can open your heart to the world. Without looking out your window, you can see the essence of the Tao. The point is, the Tao to me has always been about this idea of

being and not being, you know, you can join together, you know, the spokes and a wheel, but it's really the center hole that makes the wagon move, right? We can shape clay into a pot, but it's literally the emptiness inside that holds the tea or whatever. We can hammer wood into a house, and yet it's the inner space that we live in, right? So, like non-being within the being is what we use. So to me, Taoism, this book was given to me by my college buddy Brian. Shout out. You changed my life with this in a profound way, really. And um, these principles have just really

guided me. And this past year, I started a program about compassion, as I mentioned. And the program was designed where there were about a hundred of us all over the world meeting virtually over four retreats. Each retreat was a weekend and uh do a lot of work. And then in between, we're, you know, meeting with our groups, and we have this big final capstone project where we actually kind of create something, invent something, and put it into the world. I created something called the compassion pill, now actually the compassion pop. I'll talk about that in another episode. And the point was for me, I was diving

deep into compassion because after being, you know, on this journey of happiness and inspiration and depression and transformation and resilience, compassion came into my sphere. And I was like, mmm, yeah, this is it. This is the next evolution. This is the next little puzzle piece. So I was very drawn to the idea of compassion. Uh and then in my first retreat, you know, we get put into breakout rooms and we meet people and we discuss things, connect, work together, you know, as colleagues. And I got placed in a room with a few people, and one of the people in the room had a name that I

could not pronounce. Like the spelling of it, it was it, it it honestly intrigued me because that's rare for me. I'm an international human, like I'm from Eastern Europe, I speak a few languages, I'm usually really great with names. I could not, I kept joking that like Polish letters together are really like it's like they're trying to mess with you. It it the sounds, and you know, I speak Russian, so I thought, oh, this will be easy. No. So I was first intrigued by this person's name. And then when we were introducing ourselves, what he said was, Hi, I'm who I am, and I'm a stoic.

And I don't think I'd ever heard anyone introduce themselves that way. And something about hearing that word stoic, it felt like some other part of me that I wasn't even aware of, but that was a big part was like, oh, stoicism. Yes. It was like I was remembering something that I wasn't conscious of. And I was very pulled to it. So I messaged him, because we have like five minutes in a room, and I said, like, hey, I'm would love to get to know you better. Here's my email. Like, email me, we'll connect. And later that day, I got an email from this person that was

so thoughtful. He was like, Hey, uh, you know, I looked at your website and I read your articles and I watched your videos, and I really like what you're saying. And by the way, your dog, Rad, do you know in Poland, Rad means Radosh Joy? And I was like, oh my God. I was so moved. And I started writing back and then I got distracted by life, something, someone called me or whatever, and I forgot. Which was also interesting, right? I got so excited and then legit forgot for months. And we're in the next retreat. And I think, oh my God, did I ever write back

to that guy? And what was his name? And as soon as I start thinking this, we get placed again in this next breakout. And, you know, they're like, they're designed that you don't really ever get placed back with the same people because there's a hundred people. So I was like, Oh, I don't even know his name. I gotta find him. I get in my breakout, and who's in there? Oh, yeah, my friend, my who became known as Studybuddy, my study buddy. And when I saw him again, the first thing I said was, Oh my God, did I write to you? And he kind of very gently

smiled and said, Nope. And I'm like, Oh my god, I'm so sorry. Literally, while we're in that breakout, I pulled up the email and I saw I'd started, just totally was in my drafts. After that breakout, I write to him. I send him my WhatsApp. He messages me that day. I'm not gonna get into the details of this relationship that formed, but I'm gonna say this. It was one of those connections that, like, when I meet someone in a program or when I'm traveling, like that's not new. But it's still amazing because it's rare. You connect with someone, you're like, whoa. We started talking on WhatsApp

every day, literally every day from probably about it was like a week before my birthday. And I only remember that because he called me at midnight from Europe and like sang me happy birthday. That was so thoughtful. I mean, I really liked this person. We were voice messaging each other, like long voice notes, like 20, 30 minute ones, sometimes short ones every day. At one point, I pulled our chats and put them into AI because I was just like playing around with AI. We had written a 333-page book without even the I don't know, hundred hours of voice notes. So, point of this is we spent

a lot of time getting to know each other. And it was a very interesting experience because technically I met this person in a course. And so in my mind, I was like, oh, well, he's like a colleague, but also he's very attractive and same age as me. And told me he's separated. So he's kind of like available and I could feel there was an attraction, but I even said to myself, You are not making any first moves. If this person, though, makes a move, you're so down. See what happens. He was the first one to mention, kind of like I also really like this in him.

He just kind of said what was in the space. There was a lot of flirtation, there was an attraction, there was a resonance. And one day he just said, Hey, I just want to acknowledge something. And I was like, please. Um, so I think we're gonna have sex and it's gonna be great. And I just want to say that so we could like get that out of the way. And I was like, oh my God, I'm obsessed with you. Because it was so true. It was like in the space. And then when we acknowledged it, I was like, cool, let's move on. Because really, the foundation

for me of this relationship was actually, I really was interested in his brain and his knowledge. You know, a big part of stoicism is this reliance, I'd say, on knowledge. I also think that's the biggest drawback. And in his case, he was so obsessed with having to like know things and understand that he couldn't at all be in the present moment. Like it was so sad, actually, and frustrating. A perfect way to just picture this is imagine you're driving through Yosemite in California, and Yosemite is three hours from me. And I have to say it took me 13 years of living here to go. So also

I thanked him for that because even though I had planned the trip, paid for the trip, done everything, driven through the freaking, I did it all. And you know what? He didn't thank me. I thanked him. You know why? Because if I hadn't been inspired by him to do something nice for him and to take him to Yosemite, I wouldn't have gone. Um, yeah, gratitude isn't exactly a pillar of stoicism, although I'd say gratitude is the ultimate wisdom and justice. But you know, just because we say we're something doesn't mean we are it. You also have to practice, right? So unfortunately, here's the bottom line of

this man. We're sitting, we're driving. The most beautiful thing I have ever seen is in front of me, like this mountain range that is like so profound that all I could do is I'm like driving and my mouth is like hanging open, and I'm just like, oh my God. And you know what he's doing? He's looking down at his phone, planning the next destination. That is how I would summarize the

I don't know, maybe a comedy, but tragedy of what happened when this person came. He was gonna go travel the world and go to Bali instead. He changed his mind and decided to come to California. I joked one day. I'm like, hey, how about on your way to Bali? Stop here in Sausalito, California. It's pretty amazing. And he did. In fact, he asked me before he came if he could stay for two months. Mm-hmm. Now, me practicing my moderation said, How about we start with one? And by the way, I wanted this person to come stay with me. Okay. I wanted him to come stay with

me so much that I was about to be amidst a move, and I had a studio for my Rad Hat uh company and a two-bedroom apartment, and I was consolidating it into another two-bedroom apartment with like a nice storage. So it was a massive time of transition. Uh, and I was using my second bedroom like a storage. But when he was coming, I thought, you know what, I have a dog. And sometimes, you know, when you're sleeping in bed with, you know, uh whoever and there's a dog, that might not feel great. So I was like, I'm gonna keep the other room. I'm gonna keep paying

for my storage an extra month just so we could have like another bed. Thinking, obviously, this person who's been flirting with me for a month, who's coming to live with me, and who's been like sending me descriptions of beautiful fantasies he wants to live with me. Like, I thought we'd be sleeping in the same bed, right? That like that feels like a pretty reasonable assumption. Um, so yeah, I kept that room open. I planned an itinerary. I picked the dude up at the airport with like massive balloons of bananas. It was an inside joke. Me and my uh cosmic hubby, my partner here have a big

inside joke about bananas. I don't even know how it started, but the point is, this guy also had some interesting banana joke in his life. And so I literally showed up with banana balloons, a banana shirt. I got Rad a banana bandana. Like I love gift giving and quality time, and I combined them to create like a thoughtful experience. Before he came, I also decided to put together an epic package of beautiful things that I'd gotten him, like really meaningful things, like this book called I Am the Hero of My Life with a beautiful note, shirts, boxers, a really nice pen. Like, listen, I'm a great

gift giver, okay? Everybody who knows me will say that. That I'm very confident in. Um, and I mailed it priority. I wanted to surprise him because a few weeks before he came, he was going to this festival, and I thought, how nice would it be if he um arrived and had a beautiful package waiting? I even made him my first ever pair of men's rad shoes. I painted the pillars of stoicism on these shoes, and they're actually laying three feet away, and I'm gonna grab them right now. Please hold for the next five seconds. Do do do do do do do

Ha ha! I did it. Wow, how cool is that? Um, so for those on camera, these are the stoicism shoes. By the way, if you're a size 13 men's, I will auction these off and donate money to mental health. I swear to God. So I I even wrote a note like, I want you to walk in these stoic shoes inspired by you, which by the way, he loved, in Poland. And then when you get here, you can bring that with you. Like I could tell this person was incredible and smart. He worked in finance, he used to have a freaking hedge fund. Like, he was so

smart, and yet he was nervous. He'd never really traveled and left his home country for more than a week or something. So we were the same age, 38, and yet we had such a different life experience. I immigrated away from Moldova, which by the way, used to border Poland, right? We're from the same part of the world. He's an Eastern European man. I'm an Eastern European woman. We had so much in common. I felt like we could really talk well to each other. That's honestly the thing I liked most. I was even joking with my girlfriends that, like, I don't even know if I want to

sleep with this guy because the truth is I just love his brain. But like, if that happens too, cool, we'll be a bonus. I could totally be his friend. But not just friend, I came up with the name study buddy because it was one of those, honestly, like for anybody who's been in this situation, like a situation ship. We were studying together, but we were flirting and we really liked each other, but then also we were friends. Like we weren't officially together. He made it clear he didn't want to be in like a traditional committed relationship, which was fine for me because I ain't interested in

being in a long-term relationship with someone in Europe going on a big life journey who's getting like separated and divorced. No. But I was definitely interested in learning stoicism. And I thought, wow, this person can really teach me. Bottom line, when he arrived, it felt like a completely different human being arrived, which was the first big lesson of you genuinely do not know someone unless you physically meet them and experience them. It is much different sending someone voice notes and even talking to them for months than living with them. Right? Uh yeah. I mean, stoic quote: you have power over your mind, not external events. Realize

this and you will find strength. We suffer more in imagination than in reality. Waste no time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.

The best revenge is not to be like your enemy. Oh! Okay. This person would argue over everything with me. Everything turned into a stoic knowledge lesson. And what people need to understand, especially those who say they're stoics, like the real stoics. Because I think stoicism, and let's talk about that for a second. When I used to think of the word stoic, I imagined this like really quiet, cold being who didn't care. But that's like real stoicism isn't not caring. The pillar of justice, actually, he explained this to me, is that it's love for all. So you're not just thinking about yourself, you're thinking about the other.

And that's the epitome of care. Couple that with courage, wisdom, and moderation. I mean, the pillars of stoicism are amazing. And I've realized I have been living by those my whole life. And wisdom means you know when to teach someone and you know when to just listen and give them a hug. I was once laying on the ground in a fetal position, crying in front of this guy, and he sat there and did nothing. He at some point then he said, Like, are you okay? Can I like, is there I don't are you okay or can I do something? It was one of those, like

it was nice that he asked, but I could tell that he wasn't literally able or willing or interested in feeling anything in that moment to help me. Truly lacked empathy. This was actually scary because lacking empathy is the number one trait of a narcissist and a sociopath, which by the way, he told me he'd taken a test and he was right on the border, still not sociopath, but right on the spectrum, which made so much sense to me, which confused me because I misread him. That it was like I started thinking, oh my God, that was just one example. This person was by far, and I'm

saying this because it's true. Because I'm so proud that I still handled it well better than I would have ever before, even though I learned a lot about how I still want to evolve too. This was the most ungrateful guest I've ever had. And also, to be fair, he's never really traveled and stayed with people. So I don't think he realized, you know, I did this for 20 years and I had so many people host me. And when I did that, I was always trying to like a thank him, B, offer how I can help, whether it was get the groceries or clean the house. Or

I mean, I wasn't charging this guy. I live in Sausolito, where my rent is very, very, very expensive. For him to have stayed in literally the most expensive place in the Bay Area for free, uh, was a very kind thing. I didn't do it because I needed him to thank me. But the fact that he didn't even realize the importance of saying thank you for someone giving you space and money and time, considering also that the dude had more money than me for sure. I mean, he's a finance expert. I also wanted to learn about finance, and all I learned was that it's all about your

attitude about it, not about how much money you have. Um, because I basically paid for everything, which is also I don't know if that's very stoic of a gentleman to let someone do that all the time without gratitude. I once slept on the floor because I paid for a camping experience, and Rad, my doggy, kept being in my bed, and he had a bed in the same tent. He actually liked to sleep on the floor, it was something for his back. And even though I was cold laying on the floor, he did not offer his bed to me. Even though he literally liked sleeping on the

floor and could tell I was uncomfortable. And I didn't ask because I thought, wow, A, I shouldn't have to. B, I don't even want to fucking. Oh, that was such a crazy night. Who that whole trip, that whole, this whole experience. Why am I sharing this? This isn't me like talking shit. Because honestly, I'm not even saying this person's name. Most people in my life have no idea who this is, and it's not about him. It's forget the messenger, get the message. You know what message he showed me? He showed me a message about how important empathy is. Just to be able to see, wow, you

seem like you're in pain. I'm so sorry for that. And then compassion is is there something I could do to help you? Because drowning in someone's pain with them, that's not helpful. But offering a hand. Hey, I know that you seem really uncomfortable, and I like sleeping on the floor. Do you want my bed? I would have said no, probably anyway. Uh, God, there are so many stories. I'm gonna write a book, honestly, called Studybuddy, about so many ridiculous moments that were hilarious and so many lessons. And the point is, this guy did to me what I don't guarantee things often, but I guarantee when I

share these stories, everyone will pretty much be like, Yeah, that's fucked up. I should have kicked him out in the first week. I mean, this dude arrives. And at that package that I mentioned before that I mailed, I wanted him to get when he got home from the festival. Apparently, at that festival, he'd met someone and fallen in love and not told me. So he arrives, and I'm thinking, oh my God, we're like, what's gonna happen? We're gonna have all these adventures, and he then makes a move that's um physical, sexual, romantic, and then the day after says, actually, um, I don't want to kiss you

uh because it feels like if I do, we're in a relationship, but we're not, and I don't want to be. And I'm like, okay, hold on, I'm sorry. Let me just make sure I hear what you're saying. So what you're saying is you chose to sleep with me and instigate it. And now you're saying you still want to do that, but you just like don't want to kiss me. So, like, you want me to be like a hooker? So, like, are you gonna pay me? Because I was like, all right, I wasn't expecting that, haha. But yeah, uh that, right? Just like, just that. So, yeah,

the point is this was a shit show. Truly the stoic man. He was like more, I'm gonna say, boring and stable than all the other guys I've been with. And I thought, I'm gonna be moderate, I'm gonna try something new. And I was laughing with someone recently saying, yeah, the stoic turned into literally the borderline narcissist, where I gently and unemotionally, I gotta say, this was where I got my compassion PhD. Said to him, You need to leave. This is unacceptable. I will take you to the bus, even though you don't deserve me to do anything for you. And when I dropped him off, I drove

away and I didn't look back. This was the first time I'd ever had like a romantic moment with a person that I really liked. And this also lasted like uh almost nine months. That's longer than some of my relationships, okay? For the people who say that they're not in relationship when they're totally in relationship with people, right? And I drove away and I didn't look back, and I haven't looked back because this person scared the shit out of me. He was a gaslighting narcissist. And the scary thing for people who don't understand those terms, because they're terms that are thrown around. Man, I hope you can

see and that I'm humbled through this episode. Because like I've said words funny, I keep coughing, shit's happening, but I want to post this. I want to get it out. I I hope the message is more important than some of that shit. Um clinically speaking, gaslighting is like people make you feel like you're crazy, meaning something happens with this guy. Like, for example, before he came, I said two things. I asked two questions and I made him promise and commit something because I know myself well enough at this point to know what my issues are in relationships. I said, at some point when you live with

me, you're gonna get overwhelmed by me because I'm very loud and I'm also very like, I want to be with you all the time. So when you get overwhelmed, can you please just come to me and ask me for some space instead of like getting passive, aggressive, or whatever? And he says, Here's what I'm gonna do. And I remember this moment so clearly. He said, I'm gonna come over to you and I'm gonna say, Svetlana, I love you, you're great. I need some space. I'm gonna take a few hours, like seven, and I'm gonna hug you. To which I replied, Wow, that's like the sweetest thing,

but can we make it like three hours? Because like seven's a lot. We joked, we laughed, but he promised me. And when I reminded him of that, because guess what happened? Dude got overwhelmed, dude couldn't speak up for himself, dude started making assumptions. Dude did not ask me for what he needed, nor did he appreciate what I gave. And when I rem reminded him of that moment, it was like, that didn't happen. That's gaslighting. Because then I started thinking, wait a minute, did it happen? Like, you know, when someone's like, No, that didn't happen, or no, you shouldn't feel this way. Or another great example of

gaslighting is almost like you say to someone, hey, like it's this thing that you did, like it really hurt me. And they're like, Well, A, like, that's not what really happened, but B, like, it's your job to take care of your feelings. It's not my job. That's like that spiritual bullshit. Yes, ultimately, it is my job to take care of me, and you are not responsible for my reaction, and you're contributing to it. That's the distinction. You're not responsible, but you're contributing. And if you're contributing negatively, and then you refuse to take responsibility, blame the other person, get into fights, and show no empathy for someone

like me who's like an emotional sensitive shaman. Oh yeah. So also compassion for that dude. I had a traumatized Eastern European man who'd never done therapy around being abandoned by both of his parents who couldn't show empathy, even though I think he did want to be with me. The most sensitive, intuitive, emotional, cosmic mother energy. Uh, the card I kept pulling for us in my deck was soul work. Do you know what the statistical probability it is to have a deck of I don't know how many cards, maybe 54 cards, and pull the same card maybe 13 times. I mean, it's like 0.0000. Yeah. Every time

I asked the deck about what him and I were, but I thought soul work was like love and pleasure this time. I was like, universe, I don't need another hard lesson. This was the hardest. But the beauty was that as I drove away from this gaslighting narcissist, I swear to God, and the worst part is they don't know they're doing it. Like, literally, sociopaths know that they're trying to manipulate. Narcissists manipulate and then can gaslight you, as he did to me, into saying I'm the one that was manipulating him. He wrote me an email, and this is the last part of the story I'm gonna share,

and bring it back to these principles. He wrote me an email. On the day of the last weekend of our Stanford graduation, he had just left a week before. I essentially gently kicked him out, but we agreed he needed to go. Uh and all I'd asked for, I asked for two things, and neither one happened. I wanted us to write each other a letter of gratitude while I took him to Stanford University because he always wanted to go. And even though I was at that point very hurt and just like, I'm not gonna do anything else for this person, I thought, you know what, I'm gonna

do this for me because I want to go. And I said I would, so I'm still gonna have integrity, even though this person doesn't. He also gave me a chance to realize just because he actually wasn't honoring stoicism, that that didn't mean I couldn't. And so I did. Funny enough, your lack of true stoicism helped me realize how mine is ingrained, and I want to keep ingraining it because it's people like you who make it even more important. He sent me an email. I asked for a letter of gratitude of anything authentically that he learned from me, from us, and instead I got a uh document

with opinions and observations to try to convince me literally that I had mental health issues and he felt unsafe being with me. I swear to God. Now, guys, if you're listening to this and you know me or you don't, I'm gonna bottom line this thing real quick. I'm definitely someone who's had mental health issues, as is every human. But not only have I had them, I've dedicated my life to being a mental wealth advocate. I have a psychiatrist, a therapist, and 17 other types of healers. I look inward.

Again, because I think that's actually wise to some degree. Oh my god, did I twist all this? Am I crazy? And then I thought, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, wait a minute. And this was the wisdom. Uh, no, no, I know me. I've been to therapy, I know my faults, I know how to apologize, I know how to say I'm wrong and I'm sorry. I know how to admit when I'm being a shithead. And I know what happened because I also have proof. I have a thousand voice notes, and like that's what's funny. This whole thing is recorded in a way. So I got

that email though, and it was really hard. Oh my god. And then my program started, and here's how the universe works. I had to sit now with this motherfucker for three days online hearing the instructors and the people talk about how these people were the most amazingly compassionate people in the world. And I had to see his face. And at the beginning, wow, I really feel like coughing is releasing more of what was still here about this experience. At first, I would like to find him and just want to see him and kind of like I had this like, and then I was like, What are

you doing? You are gonna literally ruin your whole weekend. You're gonna focus on that guy. And I got mad at myself. I was like, why? You like I just I got into a shit spiral. I took some breaths, I checked in, I took a compassion pill, which was funny enough, the thing I'd invented. The idea is like a Xanax, it's a vitamin that as you take, you breathe, and you guide yourself through a little mindfulness exercise to see what's really there. Underneath my frustration and anger, I felt the sadness. Yeah. And then I was with it, and I decided, you know what? No, I'm gonna make

this weekend uh the best it could be. And what was fascinating was I realized I was searching for some way to like have compassion for him, and I was getting upset because I couldn't. And then I realized, oh, it's not about that, it's about can I have compassion for me seeing that I can't find compassion for him? And I did. I let myself be that way, and I stopped looking at him and I started focusing. And on the last day, Zoom decided to uh level up the fuckery. You know how like it places people on the screen in a certain way, but like you can't really

control it when there's a hundred people, there's like pages on Zoom. He'd never been on the first page before. This time, no matter what I did, that guy showed up on the first page, which I wanted to be on because my instructors were there. So then I thought, really? Now I literally am being like, this was like the extra credit. Can you even know that he's literally right in front of you and not give a shit? Yeah. I really did earn that PhD. Um, I'm so grateful that I was able to come back because at the end of that weekend, what started as this accusal of

mental illness by someone who is literally mentally ill. Like that's what was sad. And I'm actually really proud of myself because I took an entire day and I wrote over 30 pages. I got my anger out, I got my everything out. I looked at books, I put on my clinician hat. And I was gonna say so many things in response to that email. And the only thing I said was uh that if he loves his daughter and his wife and anyone he's gonna be in a relationship with, that I highly encourage him to read up on gaslighting and narcissism because I don't think he realizes what

his unhealed trauma is doing, and that while trauma explains behavior, it does not excuse it, and that to never ever contact me again unless he had an authentic apology for what he did in this experience. And I sent it off, and honestly, I've barely thought about him, which is why this is the first time I'm sharing this, because usually in the past I would have told the story to all my friends and wanted validation and love and support. But the truth is, when you keep talking about anything, you keep creating it. And what quote did we start with? Give yourself a gift, the present moment. I

think that was Marcus Aurelius, but I might be wrong on that. One of the stoic mastas. And I'm gonna end with this quote We have two ears and one mouth, so we should listen more than we say. Whoever's listening, did you know that that was an old stoic quote? Because I'd heard that, I didn't know that. You're probably more stoic than you realize. So remember from my story the stoicism is the reminder that you can choose to have courage and wisdom in moments that don't feel just, but that justice is about love for you and the collective and the other person, and that the moderation part

keeps things just a bit more grounded. It connects to the episode title because hedonism, I'm not gonna talk a lot about the idea of hedonism, is like more, more, more, more drugs, sex, shopping, you know, all the feel good stuff. And I gotta tell you, I was pretty hedonistic my whole life. I wanted more of everything. Me and my partner joke, his uh mantra was more's more, and mine was always it's not more's more or less is more, it's good is good, and this is it. Apologies for all the coughing today, but I've put off recording this for a week because I've had a horrible cough,

and I decided to just be moderate and have a little cough, and hopefully back to what I was saying. Uh hedonism in a sprinkle. You know, it's like if you're having a cup of tea and you want some honey or some sugar, have a little, but do you want to be drinking honey all day? I mean, honey is actually one of those things that you could probably be more hedonistic about. But the point is, eating a little bit of ice cream once in a while, I think, is great. Eating a tub of ice cream every night will have its implications. Stoicism grounds me in my own

courage and wisdom, in the fact that I do want to think about others. And then it reminds me to be moderate with the hedonism, which is important. I must have fun in life. I must have the ice cream sometimes, have the frivolous affair, have the this, have the that, but not too much. Because when I've had affairs or love affairs or times with too many of the wrong, unhealed people, when I've overspent too much, when I've smoked too much, it's always not led to good stuff. Look at what the poster behind me says. Be kind to your mind, moderate. And what helps me moderate? Taoism.

Success is as dangerous as failure, and hope is as hollow as fear. What does it mean that success is as dangerous as failure? Whether you go up the ladder or down, your position is shaky. But when you stand with your two feet on the ground, you will always keep your balance. And what does it mean that hope is hollow as fear? Both are phantoms. They arise from thinking about the self. We don't see the self, right? But when we see the self as self, like what do we have to fear? That's a little confusing, maybe. I'm reading out of the Tao. Um, when you see yourself

as the world, I think is the point that it's not just you. When you see yourself as the world and the world as yourself, and you remember that it is all one, the being, the non-being, the duality. Like, imagine if we remembered that we are all one. Imagine if when that guy saw me laying in a fetal position on the ground, he got down and gently asked if I needed a hug. Because he's human. And whether I said yes or no, just that, remembering that when you suffer, I suffer. I have so much empathy. I can feel suffering in a way I kind of wish I

didn't. I've had to work on it the other way. My trauma sent me that way, his trauma sent him this way. And the key is when you realize that there's nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you. That's the Taoism. No matter where you are, even this person, I do hope he heals. I do hope that one day you will not be this way that is so even unknown to you, harmful, because I want you and your daughter and your wife and the people who come across you, the next person you meet in a workshop to have the best version of you. And you've helped me

be the best version of me. I've seen what I need to work on, and I've seen that I actually really like that I have this ability to go through just a complete difficult time and take the lesson, get the diamond, get the message, forget the messenger. You are the ultimate study buddy. But you know what else I realized? That actually I'm the ultimate study buddy. That package that I sent him that was gonna arrive right after the festival never arrived. I checked and checked and checked. It got lost. It got lost. He came here and he was here for over a month and it never arrived

in Poland. And I was so stressed, honestly, the whole time that I didn't even like file an insurance claim, even though there was like $200 worth of stuff in there and it cost me a hundred bucks to send. I was really upset. I really first wanted him to get the stuff, and then I was honestly kind of upset because I didn't. Because once he arrived and I saw who he was, I was like, oh, I wish I hadn't mailed those shoes, and I wish I kept some of the stuff for me. Why do I always give everyone so much? By the way, that's what I had

to look at, and I am. Why did I send him the book, I am the hero of my own life, for him and not for me. Um and then I forgot about it. And you know what? Last week, the fucking package arrived, returned to me. It looked like it had been through hell and back. It got lost for four months, and that book that I got him that I'm holding up right now, I am the hero of my life, that I wrote a beautiful letter in front of. I read it to myself. I'm gonna end with it now, loves. Check in with yourself right now, okay?

How was that? Do you like the story? That was a long one. How do you feel about stoicism, Taoism, hedonism? How is it to listen? The recap here is

first remember that we don't always get what we expect. And yet, I want you to take one thing away from stoicism, and that is you can control only yourself and not the outside world. And the sooner you truly focus inward and release anything out of your own control through the pillars, write this down. Wisdom, courage, justice, moderation. My homework assignment is figure out what those mean for you. You don't have to use the definition on the internet or mine. The Taoist lesson. It's the non-being that's just as powerful. So notice how often you're running, rushing, doing, and stressing. What would it be to do nothing? The

art of doing nothing. Episode four next season. I'm telling you, I've become great at doing nothing. I actually can't hang out with people who can't do nothing. Sometimes. And the hedonism part, just look at where are you being hedonistic? Are you eating a tub of ice cream when you could just be having like a cup of a really delicious flavor? And why are you eating the tub? Are you stressed or are you that hungry? Because if you're super hungry, get in there. If you're stressed, there might be a better way. Like maybe write yourself a letter. A letter like this. Dearest Svetlana, dearest listener, you are

an unexpected gift. So thank you for being awesome and for caring for the world. That is the definition of a hero. Plus, any true stoic master or yoda knows that one must first learn to truly know and love thyself. And just that changes the entire universe. I mean, the data is in. We have never met, you and I. And I'm talking to you who's listening, even though I wrote this for someone else, it was for this moment.

The data is in, okay? We have never met. And whether we do or not, girl, Yurl,

you've already beautifully changed my story in such an expansive and meaningful way. And I feel like you're not trying to. You simply are. And I'm thankful that I get to witness you at this point along your life path. May this book, may this episode be accepted by you as a gesture of love so that you can serve your soul's purpose, gain new insights, and feel greater joy and happiness and peace and whatever else you care to experience. I read that, I wrote that on July 26, 23, at 10:47 p.m. And I'm reading it to you because I don't know you, I don't know who's listening, but

you have moved me and changed me because the fact that you are listening, it's literally like you are showing up to hear the words that I'm sharing. And I gotta tell you, the greatest gift anyone could ever give me is masterful listening. That's the gift I'm leaving with you today. Thank you for listening. May we all continue to be masterful listeners, stoic, Taoist, little hedonistic, and whatever else makes your perfect kaleidoscope of humanity. Yeah, real for you, cause you're awesome. See you next time.