“Unboxing Our Assumptions” This Week's Bonus Masterful Listening Comedy Special

Speaker 1 Are you ready for a bit of a laugh? Oh, I guarantee you're about to be laughing.

Speaker 1 Alright, so I wasn't planning on doing an extra episode this week, but this is gonna be a bonus. Let's call it the comedy special of Masterful Listening. So yeah. Uh I joke that I'm funny sometimes. I think I'm pretty funny. Yeah, really, I think at the end of the day, as long as you think you're funny, you know, that's that's the whole point. But I think this is gonna make you laugh. And it's so fresh in my mind that I figured I'm just gonna record this because I was talking to my mom this morning and we were laughing a little bit about it. And she's like,

Speaker 1 you can't share that on the internet. And I'm like, oh, I am definitely sharing that on the internet because people need to laugh these days. And it actually ties very well with the uh theme of assumptions. Assumptions and how dangerous they are because they're so not true, right? Like we make assumptions all the time, even assumptions about things that seem like, well, of course that is what this is, and yet, is it? So I'm gonna tell you a quick story about an assumption my parents made and how hilarious it was when I realized what was happening and how everything made sense. And I'm forever now gonna

Speaker 1 tell this story as why assumptions are dangerous. So before you be making assumptions, maybe you'll think next time about this story and check in with the person about the truth, the reality. Okay. Okay, so let's see. Before I dive in, as always, even though this is the comedy bonus episode, listening, masterful listening. That's what you're here to do. So you probably know what this is at this point, unless maybe you're tuning in for the first time. Cool. Masterful listening is about listening with your whole being to the being that you're listening to, which is me. So listen to my words, listen to my tone. If you're

Speaker 1 watching me, do you see my cute little uh headband that I'm wearing with the sparkles? Yeah, listen to that. I mean, I'm being silly today because I'm being this is my first uh trial of being a comedian. And so listen fully. And before we get going, think right now, take a moment, take a breath. Think of the last assumption you made that was completely not true. Could have been about somebody you work with, someone you're in a relationship with, uh family member, whoever. And think of the impact of that incorrect assumption. At the end of this, after the funny part, I'll tell you a little tool

Speaker 1 that I have been using, actually, a massive tool. It is a big, heavy tool. So you want to be careful when you use this, but I'm gonna introduce it to you. It was a tool I learned in a leadership program that fundamentally shifted my experience of assumption making. All right. So, yeah, I asked you to think about that time that you made an assumption, the impact, and now let it go. And let's get to the story. All right, and by the way, I think this is gonna be a quick one. This is just fun. So, about a month ago, my parents came to visit me for

Speaker 1 Thanksgiving. And it was the first time they actually came for Thanksgiving, which was really fun. Well, it was a mix of things, but we have a three-day rule because we have learned that for three days we do well. More than three days, you know, I don't have a huge space. I had actually just moved. So I wanted to make sure our time was peaceful, happy. And uh, it was actually going quite well. And one day, uh, my mom and my dad, they both really loved to help, to be of service in some way. And I had moved into this new beautiful place, but I hadn't even

Speaker 1 like fully unpacked. So there was a lot of a mess. Okay. And I had to go leave the house. And so my mom asked me, Well, what could we do to help while you're gone? And I said, Oh, well, there's like this massive pile of clothing in my room. Could you just like organize it? So I just go through it and like put shirts in one pile, put pants in one pile, you know, kind of basic, simple stuff. They're like, Yes, cool. So I leave, I get back maybe two hours later, and I walk into my room and I feel the energy, and it is bad.

Speaker 1 Like, I'm like, what is happening? And my mom's face looks like she's overwhelmed. And she literally said something like, I'm just, I just, I had a, I had a like a almost like a panic attack. And I'm like, why? What happened? She's like, it's just, it's just such a mess in here. And I'm like, mom, you knew it was a mess. Like, that's the point. Just like stop. Don't have a panic. I mean, I'm not trying to say don't have your feelings, but like, if you're stressed out, just like leave the room. You don't have to do this. And uh, so she did, and the energy

Speaker 1 was a little funky and it kept being weird. And finally, I was like, hey, let's sit down. We had a little therapy sesh. I said, guys, what is going on? Like, what was such a big deal? Like, you've seen the mess. Yes, it's annoying and it's frustrating, but like, what is your reaction? It doesn't make sense. And they both kind of look at each other, then they look at me, and I don't remember who said it first. I think it was my mom. She goes something like, Well, we started, you know, going through your clothes, and we were finding all these boxers, like men's boxers. And

Speaker 1 you know, first we found like one pair, and then like two, three, and like she knew that I was in a relationship with a man about a month or two ago. So she was like, Well, at first we thought maybe he left his boxers here when he left, you know. Okay. And then as we kept cleaning, we were finding like so many boxers, like dozens and dozens of men's boxers. Now, I'm gonna pause here for a moment and say the reason that I had so many men's boxers is because about a year and a half ago, after my ex and I broke up, uh, I was

Speaker 1 pretty sad and depressed. And I've never loved doing laundry anyway. And I didn't have uh a washer and dryer in my condo. I had to like leave the condo, cross the street, go up a flight of stairs, and there was a laundromat. And I never wanted to do it. So literally after he left, he used to do the laundry when we lived together. I just my laundry was piling up and piling up, and I didn't want to do it. So, what did I do? I kept buying more underwear because I figured I have so many clothes as long as I have clean underwear. And I realized

Speaker 1 I love boxers. Boxers are more comfortable, they're cool, they keep me warm. So I just started buying all these men's boxers. So I probably have a hundred pairs of men's boxers that I've been wearing. So imagine my two older Eastern European parents going through my clothes and finding like 50 pairs of boxers. So they're saying this to me, and I'm seeing their faces, and I'm like, what did you think? She's like, we we thought, I guess, that you were like sleeping with all these men and stealing their boxers or collecting their boxers. And I'm like, oh, that's why their energy was so funny. Like, there they

Speaker 1 were. She's like, well, when we found a few pairs, it was like, well, okay. And then we found more and more. And then we're staring at this pile of men's boxers, and we were so upset and confused. And I'm like, yeah, that's an assumption. I said, Mom, don't you remember how I didn't do laundry for a year? Which, yes, I'm gonna admit that. I don't care. I'm a super effective person in a lot of ways. I did not want to, you know, once you had a pile that was that big, I had two bathrooms. So, like, my second bathroom shower became the laundry bin. And it

Speaker 1 was a joke, and everyone laughed. And truly, I do have like a hundred pairs of underwear, so I don't ever really need to do laundry. Although now I do do laundry. I in fact have a load of laundry uh in the washing machine right now. Okay. So I know how to do it. Uh, and no, I have not been sleeping with tons of men collecting their boxers. Uh, although when my parents assumed I was, uh yeah, they got pretty upset. So that was an incorrect assumption. All right. And I just wanted to share that because my mom even said as we were laughing about it just

Speaker 1 recently, she's like, well, that was the story that made the most sense, that assumption, right? That if you have, you know, a hundred pairs of boxers, then you know, obviously it means you're like taking boxers from all these men. And I'm like, is that the most the obvious true story? Because not in my world. Since when am I doing that? Like, that has never been my MO, okay, to steal people's underwear.

Speaker 1 Oh man, it's so funny. I just remember their faces. So uh there's your little bit of comedy, but how does this tie to assumptions and how does this tie to listening, right? Because we're in the masterful listening school. Uh assumptions are dangerous for a few reasons. First of all, because we all make them all the time, and truly, just like this boxer moment, they're not often the truth. In our minds, they seem like they could be the truth. And then what happens? You make up a story, you make it mean something. In my mom's and my dad's minds, the story was whoa, our daughter has been

Speaker 1 super promiscuous and not only sleeping around, but like stealing underwear or collecting underwear as like tokens. I don't know. They did not love that. That was kind of um a not wonderful story to accept as reality. But they didn't ask me. I mean, that was kind of a funny, uncomfortable thing, maybe to ask, but had they asked me, we would have figured this out much sooner. Because we ended up having a conversation, we figured it out. So, first, I want to say with an assumption, when you notice, oh, I'm making an assumption. And how do you notice that? Well, it's something happens, someone looks at you,

Speaker 1 says something to you, whatever, and you start making up a story about what that means. Oh, that means that they don't like me. Oh, that means that they do like me. Oh, that means blah, blah, blah. Just noticing that is like, okay, cool, that's the first step. So I'm making up a story based on something that I saw, felt, heard, etc. Uh, how's that story making me feel? Is that story uplifting? Is it scary? Uh, just noticing our reactions to our stories and to our assumptions is very important. And then also, how is that assumption now impacting the relationship that I am in with whoever I'm

Speaker 1 making this assumption about? Because usually our assumptions are about other human beings. Let's at least for this episode think of those. Um, and again, this happens all the time. This could be a work interview. Oh, I haven't heard back in a week. Oh, that's bad. What if someone got sick, right? Point is we do not know what we do not know. And the things that we make up, because our brains are literally wired towards negativity. Motherfucker, that is my laundry alarm. Hey, Alexa, stop. See, I wasn't lying. Not only do I do laundry now, I even set an alarm. So that was perfect. Now you know

Speaker 1 I'm not lying. Okay, back to that. Uh, I don't even know what I was saying. Assumptions are dangerous. We make them up, and often they don't lead to positive things. So then what happens? So then our relationships get impacted and the intimacy in them. And I'm not saying romantic intimacy, mom, I'm saying the connection we feel towards people gets shifted. If we're making up assumptions, like for me, the assumptions I usually make up funny enough, related to listening. If I'm speaking to someone and I care about it, which is often or mostly, if I'm sharing a story that's like really deep and meaningful for me, and

Speaker 1 I can feel someone's distracted, my assumption is instantly, they don't give a shit. They don't care. Oh, that makes me feel so bad. That makes me want to crawl into my little shell and hide away and just I've gone as far as to be like, screw it. I don't even want to be friends with this person. I'm uh yeah, okay. You have no idea what's going on in someone else's life. Okay. So before you allow your assumption to literally derail an entire friendship, relationship, situationship, uh work possibility, just first notice and then ask yourself, what do I want in this relationship? Do I want to know

Speaker 1 the truth? Because by the way, sometimes, you know, an assumption could be true. I don't know. The truth is you don't know until you ask. So how do you know whether an assumption is valid, true, accurate? Well, you gotta talk about it. We gotta get more comfortable having difficult conversations, y'all. You know what I mean? Like a difficult conversation and a vulnerable one, an authentic, authentic. I found I sounded very New York there. Um, an authentic conversation can save so much, I mean, time pain. Oh my gosh, how often have I, after I've spoken to someone, been like, oh my gosh, I was freaking out for

Speaker 1 no reason. That is not at all what was happening. So I learned this tool called assumption clearing. Uh, this is like the samurai sword of knives, if we're looking at a metaphor. It's a very important tool. I'm gonna quickly describe it and I'm gonna invite you not to use it until you are really, really, really, really sure you're ready. Uh, but if you feel like trying it out, cool. I've introduced this tool to pretty much everyone in my life, and it has enhanced all of my relationships, and we do it like often. What assumption clearing means is it's literally an opportunity to have a conversation with

Speaker 1 another human being about the assumptions that you've been making up about them and to clear them. Now, the intention of this is to build and rebuild intimacy, so connection within your relationship. Okay. Now, here's how it goes. So you have two people, and let's say you want to clear assumptions with your friend. So I want to clear assumptions with my friend, Jonathan, okay? I go to Jonathan and I say, Hey, Jonathan, I would love to do an assumption clearing with you because you really matter to me. And I've just noticed I've been making up some stories about you and us, and I just want to share

Speaker 1 them because I want to increase our intimacy. And I feel like maybe some of these stories are just not true, and I just don't want to keep living in those stories. Are you open to doing that? Then they must agree. Now, if they agree, cool, here's the way it goes. Uh, you start by saying something like, Hey, okay, Jonathan, so thank you. Um, I'm wanting to let you know that I've noticed I've just been making up this story recently that like you really don't care about me because anytime we've had plans, you've canceled them last minute. And so to me, that just feels like our friendship

Speaker 1 doesn't matter. Okay. Now, what Jonathan does as I, Svetlana, am sharing is he listens. He sits with me, he uh looks at me. You know, it's really good to have eye contact as much as you can, even though it could be really hard, but that's okay. Do hard things. Doing hard things in relationships, I think makes relationships last. Uh and so here's the other key point. Jonathan does not respond to anything, Svetlana says. So as I'm sharing my assumptions, Jonathan sits there quietly, listens masterfully, meaning he's listening to my words, he's listening to my face, to the energy between us. And every time I say one

Speaker 1 assumption, all he does is say thank you. And your job here is to be very intentional with not responding to, oh, that's true, oh, that's not true. The point of this is that you give yourself or whoever wants to do this with you. Usually you go, both people go, um, one at a time. You just give yourself the opportunity to clear all those stories in your head. And when you're done, so let's say I share four assumptions. Thank you, thank you, thank you, says nothing. Then we switch. And then Jonathan says to me, Again, you have to do this in this specific way. Hey, Svet, I'd

Speaker 1 like to clear some assumptions, assumptions. I'd like to clear an ascension. I would like to clear some assumptions I've been making about you, which might be preventing us from deepening our intimacy and our connection. Is that okay? Yes. And then he shares with me. Every time he shares one, I say thank you. I try my best to control my face, because usually my face responds without my mouth moving, you know. Uh, and thank you, thank you. And then after we're done, don't do anything else. Just that's it. It's over. However, you can, and I do suggest uh having another conversation, just give it like a little

Speaker 1 time, I don't know, an hour, two, a day to just sit and reflect on them and then have that next conversation of, hey, I actually want to address like some of the things you said. This assumption was totally not true. This assumption was true. Oh man, it's so powerful. It was so funny. When we did this in my leadership program, there were 25 of us. Uh 25 people, all kinds of people, all kinds of people making assumptions about each other. And we had to do this assumption clearing with every single person in that group. Oh boy. There were some people I did not want to clear

Speaker 1 assumptions with. Uh, and it was fascinating because, like, some people, for example, said things to me like, Well, Svet, I assume that you don't like me and you don't think I'm cool. And, you know, I had to sit there with a straight face. And sometimes I did not think they were cool. And I did not particularly like them. I didn't dislike them, but they did catch on to something kind of true, but I didn't say anything. I just let them say that. Other times I've had people say the same thing to me. Oh, Svet, I just didn't think you thought I was cool. I don't know

Speaker 1 why that's the assumption people think about me. I think plenty of people are cool. Um, I also don't think everyone's cool. That's fine. But the point is, I totally thought they were cool, right? That's just not what they thought I thought. Again, because what you think is happening is not happening. Okay. I wasn't stealing people's boxers. I was buying my own boxers, all right? Yeah, I don't gotta steal boxers. I'll buy my own. Um, but my poor parents were like. Like having many

Speaker 1 little breakdowns, thinking their daughter has completely gone off the rails now. Uh watch the assumptions you're making. Okay. They're not only are they often not true, but if they are true, cool. Share them. How cool is it when someone has the courage to go to you and say, hey, I really care about you. And I've been making up some stories. And I just don't want to do that. Because if they're true, I want to know the truth. If they're not, I just want to let it go. It's like such an easy way, in a way, once you get past that uncomfortable part of the vulnerability, to

Speaker 1 just drop it, drop that boulder you've been carrying around. Because again, my face says all kinds of things, especially in a group, that are not even necessarily true. I feel like a thousand emotions at the same time. So I could be listening to someone saying something and truly be like, oh God, this is dumb. And then be like, well, it's kind of interesting. And maybe my face says the dumb thing and not the interesting thing. So then someone watching me is like, oh God, she really thinks I'm stupid. She doesn't like me. Or I just don't talk to everyone. I usually am drawn to certain people.

Speaker 1 And then those people, and if I've been drawn to you, you know I want to talk to you a lot. Other people, I'm just not as drawn to. And if you see me in a group really gravitating towards a few people, but then I don't really talk to you, I can see how you'd think, well, she doesn't like me, but that's not true. Why don't you come talk to me? Right? Sometimes I get nervous and shy too. You might be surprised to know I am, in fact, an introvert who is quite shy. And don't even try to tell me that that's not true, because I know

Speaker 1 who I am. I have a part of my personality that's very loud and bright. Cool. I have another part that's completely different. Very few humans really know the inner world of me. Because most of the time they're not with me. So they're assuming things. And if you saw me right now, and this is a funny video of what I'm wearing and how I'm talking, you would assume all kinds of shit. And you're probably not assuming correctly. But if you're masterfully listening to me, and if you're masterfully listening to others, you will pick up more truth. But the only way to know the truth is to ask

Speaker 1 the truth. So I would like to once again say publicly that I do not collect men's underwear. Uh, I have my own. And I am gonna go put my laundry into the dryer. So we will wrap up with this. But I want you to ask yourself, how was that? Did you find the story funny? If you did, could you please um write a review and say that this podcast is hilarious and that I have a um a career ahead of me as a as a comedian, maybe? That'd be cool. Uh think of the assumptions that you're making, okay? And if you liked this assumption clearing activity,

Speaker 1 rewind, listen to it again. The summary is it is a first, it is a question to someone. Would you like to do this? Because I want to grow our connection and intimacy. One person at a time speaks, the other one listens masterfully. No responses other than thank you. Thank you for sharing. You switch and then do not discuss it right away. Just sit with it a little bit. Remember, you might get triggered. In fact, you probably will. And if you don't do this correctly, you a thousand percent will. So don't do this unless you're ready to dive deep and maybe hear some things you're not gonna

Speaker 1 like. But guess what? I'd rather hear a bunch of things that I don't like that are true than believe a bunch of crap in my own head that isn't. And if you want to read a great book that talks about not making assumptions, uh, it's called The Four Agreements. I will link it here today. All right. Well, that was your bonus comedy special and your homework is if you are ready to go deeper in your relationships and you want to stop making all those assumptions, have an assumption clearing with someone. Do it with someone you trust first. Maybe someone you don't have a big issue with,

Speaker 1 right? If you do this gently, you know, it it'll you'll get more comfortable with it. And then you can, you know, go that extra level uh challenge when uh we are ready to really go deep. Maybe you've been making an assumption that has had an impact on your relationships for a long time in a big way. I wouldn't start there. I would first really just notice what are you making up that might not be true? All right, cool. Also, uh, I just want to say for all the women out there, men's boxers are amazing, super comfortable. I think they're now making uh women's boxers too. So

Speaker 1 if anyone is listening to this who happens to, I don't know, work at a company that makes boxers, I am willing to accept some sponsors for this podcast, but only boxers, okay, because I don't have enough. And if I uh yeah, okay, I'm done. Thank you for masterfully listening. I hope you enjoyed this little bonus. Have a great day. And remember, when you assume you make an ass of you and me. Is that it?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think it goes like that.