Radical Love & Heartbreak: Embracing Masterful Listening to Honor Our Furry Friends

Hello, aspiring, masterful listener. I want to say now that this is an episode I never ever ever wanted to record. However, life has presented me with an unexpected detour. And so I'm going to be talking today about my love, the love of my life, my best friend, Rad, Rad the dog. Those who've heard the show have heard me talking about Rad quite a bit. Rad became the most incredible teacher I've ever had when I adopted him 535 days ago. And two days ago, I found out while sitting on the floor of a neurologist's office that my little baby rad has a brain tumor. Uh yeah. I've

been wanting to record something about this. Honestly, for me and for anyone out there who's ever dealt with a sick pet, if someone would have told me before Rad came into my life that I would fall in love with a dog in such a profound way, I wouldn't have believed it because I was never a dog person. I had a friend recently say, When I heard you got a dog, I thought, uh oh. And yet Rad has been the most incredible, really awesome detour. R A D. That's what Rad stands for in my world. He has brought me 535 days of such pure, unconditional love and

joy that when I face the fact, the reality, that my time with him is appearing to be so much more limited than I'd ever imagined. It is devastating me and breaking my heart on so many levels that I can't even truly describe. And in this moment, I actually am in a pretty good moment. He's sitting over there eating a bone. I gave him a little bone treat. He's been getting lots more treats, I gotta say, in the last couple of days. Um, but I wanted to share this experience. I wanted to tell a story of who Rat is and how he's taught me so much, but

specifically around listening and how it is my appreciation of what it means to be a masterful listener that has been supporting me through the absolute saddest, most grief-filled week of my entire life. You know, I knew Rad would leave one day, leave his body. Uh, he was almost nine when I adopted him, and he's 10 now, so he's considered an older senior dog. And when I adopted him, so many people were like, Wow, that's so nice of you to adopt an older dog. And I was like, Of course, like, why wouldn't I do that? Every dog needs love. Plus, I fell in love with Rad from

literally the second I met him. But now I understand that when you do adopt an older animal, you most likely have less time with them. They get sick more so, even though, of course, there are animals who die and get sick younger, as people do as well. But it it feels so cruel that this is happening. I've had so many thoughts this week, I've navigated so many feelings, so much anger and confusion and fear and pain and heartbreak. And yet there's been this like resurgence of deep presence and gratitude and love. Like every time I see his face, I am so happy to see his eyes

looking at me or him wagging his tail. And I literally cannot imagine how I can love Rad even more, and yet I love him more and more and more every moment. And when I tune into the gratitude for the moments I have with him, I'm so present and so happy. And then when I realize that my little baby has a brain tumor that is causing him to have seizures, which happened this weekend, and like the PTFSD of those seizures is it's with me all day. And I'm I'm constantly having to fight this like mom in me that just wants to do anything to make sure he's

not in pain and he's well, and I wish I had the tumor instead, honestly. Um, and and then there's I just want to give him a good life, and I want to help him, and I I want to help myself, and what do I do? There's a million questions, there's a million thoughts. And so that's the topic for today. I'm gonna tell the story of what happened. I'm gonna tell the story of how I've been handling this news that this brain tumor that Rad has is inoperable, and that there's really very few things I can do. I have some options. I will discuss them. And I'm

gonna just share how I've been navigating all the thoughts in my head and how I've been finding a way to be okay and even grateful amidst truly a horrific turn of events. You know, on Friday, I went to see a movie called Arthur the King about a dog. I was so excited. I love dogs so much. I always see Rad's face in every dog. And then I came home, went to sleep, woke up, and suddenly Rad out of nowhere has a seizure, and my entire world collapsed, shifted. And now it's what Friday? So it's been almost a week. And here I am, still alive, still speaking,

not rolled up in a ball crying, although I've spent a lot of time doing that. And here's how I invite you to listen, because as always, we are at the world's first super rad listening school. First of all, I invite you to listen knowing that this might be really sad and hard to hear. If you're a pet parent, pet lover, if you've dealt with a pet who's sick or died, if you're dealing with that now, or maybe you have a perfectly healthy pet and you know that at one point this might happen to you or something similar. I invite deep presence and love and compassion as

the lens. I invite you to allow yourself to feel anything that comes up for you and to try to not get distracted by your mind, but come back. Listen to my voice, listen to my tone, my energy, listen to my heart. I really appreciate masterful listening for this one in particular because this one is for rad. I am choosing to share something so deeply painful amidst and right in the middle of the pain, because I hope that it will help me become a more masterful listener of the heart of others who are in pain, who are suffering, who are struggling to accept a reality that feels

so unfair and so sad. So, this might be a heavier one, or it might be more uplifting. I don't know. I don't script them, you know. Um, and

yeah. Also, I'll invite you right now. I usually say this later, but share this one, please. Share it with everybody, share it with everybody you know who's in grief. It doesn't even honestly have to be about a pet, but that is in this particular story who it's about. Um, because maybe by hearing my own experience and story and truth and authenticity, it might inspire you and others you know and love to face their own experiences, feelings, grief, loss, love, uncertainty, fucking heartbreak with more presence and more choice in what they listen to. Because if I was listening to certain things in my mind right now, I

would not be sitting here recording anything. I would be curled up in a ball, and that's not bad. I have spent plenty of time doing that, but I'm choosing to listen to the part of me that knows that me processing with my voice always helps me. Me being of service to others through my pain helps me. And that I think Rad would want me to keep my commitment of keeping this podcast going, even though I literally wanted to quit everything this week and just lay with him forever and just forget the whole world. And you know what? That's really valid because our feelings are valid. Uh

our thoughts though could really screw us up. And I'm gonna keep this episode, I think, more PG with my language because I want the kiddos to listen as well. I imagine, you know, I never had a dog when I was a child, but I imagine that if you get a dog when you're really young, you might need to deal with your dog or cat or animal getting sick and dying, and that could be so tragic and so hard, whatever age you are. So I'm gonna watch my words a little more and see if I could keep it a little clean so that you can share this

with people, humans of any age, because it might serve them too. And that'll bring more love to my heart as well. And I can definitely need that now. I need that now because my heart's completely shattered.

Okay. So here's a story, and I don't know where to start it, but I guess I will start it from Friday evening. So Friday evening, me and my dear cosmic hubby, Jonathan. Shout out to you, my love, went to see a movie called Arthur the King about this incredible story about this dog. If you haven't heard of the movie, it's based on a book. It is so incredible. It's, I think, out in theaters still. Go see it. Oh my God. Wow, what a story. An amazing story about a man who's this adventure racer, and he's on this like 400 plus mile adventure race through, I think

originally it was Ecuador, but I think in the movie it was the Dominican Republic. And they he meets this dog along the path, and the dog like follows him and his team 200 miles into like the forest, and and he falls in love with this dog, and and the movie follows, you know, what happens. And I was so moved and inspired, and Jonathan and I were just loving the movie, and we were crying, and we were just so feeling our love for animals. And of course, the whole time, all I wanted to do was get home to Rad, because that's all I ever want to do.

Of the 535 days that I've had Rad, I have spent all but seven days with him. Three last year when I went to the uh Global Happiness Summit in Costa Rica, which I was originally gonna go to for like two weeks, and I said, uh-uh, I ain't leaving Rad for more than a few days. And then I recently just went to a dear friend's wedding. Again, originally it was supposed to be over a week, it was just a few days. I really don't like to leave Rad. I just love being around him so much. So our bodies are connected, our souls are connected, you know. But

obviously, I leave him sometimes, and I need to do some things without him. I can't take him to see a movie, although I really wanted to take him to see this movie. And I came home and he seemed totally fine. You know, Rad has this super chill disposition. I call him my stoic teacher. He's super calm, he doesn't bark much. He definitely gets excited mostly about food. But I came home, he seemed totally fine. And then when we were about to go to bed, I walked towards my bedroom and I stepped on the carpet and it was kind of wet. And I thought that was weird

because Rad has never once had an accident here where we live, like ever. And the carpet was wet, and then I leaned down and I saw it was wet in a few places and also like a bit slobbery. And I literally was like, what happened? I'm like, oh, I guess you must have had an accident. Okay, well, it happens. Maybe he was a little upset or nervous that I left. I didn't really honestly think much of it because I had no reason to suspect it was anything at all. Um went to bed, everything was fine the next day. I was in my bathroom putting my makeup

on, getting ready, and I heard Rad like zoom from my bedroom towards the kitchen, which is not weird. But then I just kept hearing this like banging, and it sounded weird. And when I walked over, he was on the floor having a seizure. I'd never seen a dog having a seizure. I'd never seen a human having a seizure live, but I've seen it like on TV and I knew what seizures are. And it was the scariest uh experience. He was like laying down and shaking uncontrollably. His eyes were rolled back in his head, he was foaming at the mouth. I even saw some blood. I think

he might have bitten his tongue. He peed everywhere. Like he looked so helpless. And I just got down on the ground and I was like, oh my God, Raddy, it's okay. It's okay. I just kept saying, it's okay, it's okay. Because in my mind, he looked so lost and and and I didn't know if he was in pain or not, and I didn't know if it would ever stop. It felt like it lasted for an eternity, and then it kind of subsided, and I just kept comforting him and thinking, oh my God, what what do I do? What just happened? And he kind of slowly he

looked really confused, and then I just kind of held him and knew I had to rush to the hospital. So I'm like half-dressed, you know, and I'm my heart is beating, and I'm completely terrified. So I started going, okay, okay, this was the masterful listening. I said, what do I need to do? I need to put on a shirt. Okay, stay calm, breathe, breathe. I literally was walking around saying, breathe. It's okay. Get your shirt, get your wallet, grab your bag, get a towel, wrap red in the towel, pick him up gently. Rad weighs about 41 pounds. So he's not a tiny dog, he's not a

massive dog, but he is a big, heavy dog. And I needed to make sure that he was safe and that I could carry him up a massive flight of stairs, put him in the car, and then get him to the hospital. Um, and as this was all happening, I realized that the reason the carpet was wet and slobbery was because he had a seizure the night before, all alone. That thought just like killed me. I thought, oh my God, he's home alone. I wasn't even with him. And it happened alone, and then he came out of it alone. And when I got home, it's not like

he could tell me. And I just had this deep, I felt so, I don't know if it was guilt or sadness that my baby dog had that happen to him all alone. And that's what it was. I, if I would have known, of course I would have never left him. Uh, but that was where my mind started going. And I every time I've had these really sad thoughts, I just come back to

breathing, which I always say is the other skill that I wish everyone learned. And listening, as children, we gotta just breathe. So I wrapped him in the towel. I gently tried to carefully walk up the stairs, not drop him. I put him in the car, and he was so funny. He just jumped into my seat, like the driver's seat. And I was like, excuse me, Mr. Rad, uh, Mr. Baby. I call him Mr. Baby, uh, Radish. Uh, that's my seat. So it was kind of cute because he he was acting okay. He was acting normal. I got him back in his seat. We drove to the

hospital, and I was driving like just, I don't even know. My adrenaline was pumping. I was waiting for something to happen again. I didn't know what was gonna happen. I was putting my hand on him to just make sure he was safe on the seat. He always sits next to me. We made it to the hospital. I called them on the way. I called uh Jonathan. My friend Denise was coming over. She's a massive dog lover. And I said, Hey, can you please meet me at the hospital? Uh, Rod just had a seizure. I'm really not okay. I'm scared. Um, and she was like, Absolutely. So

thank you so much, Denise, for being there. Denise stayed with me for hours and hours and hours. And that was the longest day of my life. Spending nine hours at an animal hospital waiting for rad, waiting for information, for news. There was a huge part of me that was driving, thinking, am I never gonna see Rad again? Is he gonna die at the hospital? All these thoughts would come. And I just kept breathing and saying, it's okay, it's normal to have that thought. No, keep driving, focus. So the listening thing here that really helped me was I had so many thoughts in my mind that day

and since that have been so traumatizing. I also keep having visions and flashbacks of him seizing over and over. And then the thoughts of, oh my God, what if this keeps happening? What if it happens when I'm driving? What if it happens when I need to leave him home alone? But then I can't leave him ever. I can never leave Rat alone. So how will I go and get groceries? Or how will I ever go and see my friends? Or um uh what if it happens while I'm teaching live? If this happens while I'm teaching, I'm gonna lose my contract to teach. You know, like all

of that, the mind making up a million scary stories. And I think how I've changed after my own deep, dark times of depression is I now know now. Not to believe my thoughts. I just kept acknowledging all of them. And when they got really scary, I would say, do no harm, do no harm, do no harm. It's a mantra. I think episode four or five in the first season is about that mantra that just bringed brings us, brings me back to don't harm myself now with these horrible, catastrophic thoughts, because in this moment, actually, everything's okay. Rad's right next to you. He's safe. You're okay. But

the do no harm wasn't really working as well. So I started saying, peace be with you. Peace be with you. Peace be with you. That has become my mantra this week. Um after the hospital, uh, he was put on some seizure medication. I took him home. And then that that night I barely slept. That was the night that I came up with peace be with you, peace be with you. I cried so much. I messaged a bunch of my friends, but I was in a sort of daze. There was so many unanswered questions. I was told that most likely in an older dog who has multiple

seizures within a day, it's a it's a brain tumor or cancer or both, and that we'd have to run additional tests. I instantly started researching neurologists to get an MRI when I discovered that MRIs also cost like $5,000. Man, I want to have another episode at some point about the atrocity of the healthcare system, but I am not going to go there. But the point is, yeah. I I paid $7,000 on Wednesday to find out that my doggie has a brain tumor. Uh

and I'm grateful, you know, that there is technology and doctors and people to help, but wow. And I asked them at the clinic, I said, So you're telling me that if I couldn't pay right now the whole amount, which by the way, I didn't have the money. I I didn't have it. So I had to somehow calm myself enough with again the masterful listening tool of I thought, okay, what are the thoughts that can actually help me now? Not the, oh my God, I'm never gonna be able to figure this out. Am I gonna sell a kidney? Am I gonna ask and beg for money? I

thought, okay, is there a credit card I could open right now? Is there a way I could transfer money somehow? And I did. I opened up literally a card that day and was able to pay for it. But you know, not everyone can do that. And I realized that. And all the thoughts I had about, and now what? Radiology, which is an option as treatment, is about $16,000. And you don't know if it works. So that's a whole other thing. There's a financial component to this, but I told myself, forget the money, because I will sell my kidney to help Rad, but I also will not

keep Rad alive for me if he's in pain. So the amount of questions right now and the amount of decisions I have to make is so overwhelming that just the constant emotional oscillation, the going back and forth of everything that could go wrong, and what's gonna happen to me when I come home without Rad. I've only ever lived here with him. He is like my entire life. And I'm like, I I I I I won't, I don't want to live. I do not want to live without Rad. And I actually really do feel that way right now. Not to be overly dramatic, but I really have

no desire to be on earth without Rad. And I think that's actually a really normal feeling. So when I listen to that masterfully, meaning calmly, without judgment, without um, I guess it's just that without judgment, I'm not saying, oh my God, you're selfish or you're crazy or blah, blah, blah. It's like, no, of course I feel that way. He is my favorite being I've ever met. I love this dog more than I love anybody in my life. And for all of you in my life who are listening, you know this because you know how much I love Rat. And you're not offended by that. I hope.

And if you are, you you you might want to look into that. Um, but the point is, I don't want to imagine a world without him. And something I did honestly, the whole time I've had him is I would have these moments where I felt such profound love for him, and then I would realize in my mind that he would die, and I would ball. I would lay with him and cry. I usually did this for like 10 minutes. It was like I was giving myself a chance to start grieving him while he was still here in a healthy way, to like start feeling some of

that already, because I felt like when it happened, it would kill me. And I guess on some level, I knew because I've been doing a lot more of that this week because it's become so real. But the beautiful thing there was I've had such beautiful moments with him this week of us just like when I got home from the hospital, I was so happy to be home. I was so tired, I hadn't eaten all day, and we just got on my swing bed um outside, and we're just laying outside together and snuggling, and nothing else existed. I was so present, I was so grateful that I

got to take him home from the hospital because driving there, I thought I'm not even gonna get to take him home. And that first night was super rough. I couldn't sleep. The second night was so horrible. I couldn't sleep. I was having horrible nightmares. I was paranoid every little time he moved. I thought he's having another seizure. And that anxiety was affecting me so bad that I literally thought, okay, what am I gonna do to take care of my mental health right now? Because I can't live like this. I don't want to live my days in fear of what's to come. I don't. Because while the

prognosis that I found out about on Wednesday when we were able to do an MRI was pretty bleak, his tumor's quite large, it's in a part of his brain that cannot be operated on. Radiology might extend his life, might not. And the average uh lifespan of a dog in this case, typically, you never know, and I do believe in miracles, is six months. So I'm like, six months? That would mean that I didn't even get two years with him, and then the devastation is so profound, and it comes in these weird waves that all I can do is let myself completely collapse. Yesterday we were out

on a walk, and then it started to hit me. We were walking down the street and saw Salito, and there was like a little party on the street at a dog shop. And I saw all these people and a band and all these dogs, and Rad got interested and he was looking across the street, and I could tell he kind of wanted to go over. I'm sure he smelled all the dogs and all the food. And I, there's no way I was gonna go interact with anyone, just like not gonna happen. And I stood there with him on the street saying, I'm so sorry, Bibi Rad,

I can't, I can't go there. I felt so bad. I felt like I was being a bad mom, that shouldn't I just do everything he wants to do. But I was like, I cannot go and talk to anyone right now. I am gonna completely lose it. So I just slowly kind of had to drag him a little bit back to the car. And when I got into my car, I just started crying so much, so many tears. And I was wearing makeup because I had to teach that day, which I did, which is kind of amazing. Um, and I'm actually really grateful that I have to

be so present for my online courses because I was honest. I shared very for like a second at the beginning, because I always, when I introduce myself, put a photo of me and Rad, and I give my bio and I always say Rad is my greatest teacher, because that's true. I've been saying that for as long as I've had him. But I also said I just want you to know from a space of authenticity and vulnerability that my baby Rad started having some seizures. So if God forbid that happens during class, I might need to step away for a moment. But it inspires me to be

even more grateful for this time with you all and this presence. He just ran by. Um, hey Raddy, you're chewing that bone real hard. Be careful with those teeth. Um, it invites me to be even more present. So I said, so I invite you to be really present and masterfully listen today, because you all, I'm sure, have things going on in your life that you might get distracted by, as do I, but be here with me for Rad, for you. And everyone was so nice, and the classes went really well. And I feel like it did create a deeper space of presence. So that is the

gift that he's giving me through this. In fact, this is a really interesting part that I want to share. I I've said this in other episodes that I'm sort of like mid-woo. And also, I just realized I was, I think, a little anxious just now holding the bracelets on my arm. So I hope that sound wasn't distracting. Um, when I say I'm mid woo, I mean that when I've had health issues, I've always wanted to get a sort of well-rounded, holistic group of support. So I would go to an MD, a psychiatrist, a therapist, a psychic, an astrologer, a yoga teacher. Like I had all kinds

of healers come my way. And I'd seen, since I had Rad online, some videos of animal communicators. And these are people who can communicate with animals, uh, with their souls and kind of speak to them. And I just thought, I need to find an animal communicator. And I asked a friend or a few people if they knew one, and one friend send me the name of someone, and I instantly booked a session because I just wanted to ask Rad how he was. Was he in pain? And by the way, from what I've learned, dogs, when they're in a seizure, are not in pain. So that instantly

made me feel better. Uh, Rad, you are literally destroying that bone. Please be careful with your teeth. I don't know if he understands what I'm saying. I think he does. He's, I gave him a little bone because he was, I could tell, wanting a lot of attention and I wanted some time to do this. Um, so I had a session. I actually had a session with the animal communicator Tuesday, and then I had the MRI on Wednesday. I felt so much better after I talked to Julie. And by the way, shout out to Julie. Um, she was amazing. Uh, and you know, you could think, is

this real? Honestly, I think whether it's real or not, if it helps, use it. I say that all the time. But I felt she was the real deal, and it was real because even the way that she started describing Rad's essence and energy, she's like, Wow, he is really rad. He's super cool and laid back. I'm like, he really is. Not all dogs are like that. She also said something at the very beginning about how much he, first of all, is not in any pain. She said she senses when she connected to his body that he has some pressure in his head and that the pressure

is causing him more of like an annoyance. So she's like, on a scale of one to 10, it's like a two, a one-two, she said. So it doesn't hurt him, but it's like a little annoying in his ear. And when she said that he had some pressure in his head, it made me think, well, yeah, that would make sense if he had a tumor, right? At that point, I didn't know that he did. I just knew that that was a possibility. And she said, He really wants you to know that first he thinks his ears are super cute. And I'm like, they are. And then he

loves what you're giving him for food. Like, keep giving him all the food. I've changed Rad's food a lot. When I got him, I got this kibble. And then when I realized what they put in kibble, I realized very quickly that I do not want to um poison my dog with any food or ingredients that are not natural. So I switched him fully to a like a human-grade raw uh diet, but also I trained him to eat like blueberries and raspberries and cucumbers and um uh carrots and sweet potatoes. I make him a bunch of treats. And the night before, we ate an entire bowl of

blueberries and he loves them. And literally, Julie says, Oh my gosh, he loves the food. I'm seeing blueberries. And I was like, Yeah, we literally just ate those, and it's so cute sitting with Rad on the couch eating berries. Berries are, by the way, very good for dogs. So if you have some dogs, give them some berries and see if they like them. Rad loves them, and clearly he told her that. Uh so I heard he's not in pain. That made me feel good. She also said, and this gave me so much love and hope and just peace. She said that his life force is fully

even beyond his body, meaning he isn't trying to go anywhere yet. Very alive in his body, loves the time we spend outside. Um, thinks I'm a great mom and that I'm very awesome. Thank you so much, Rad. He also said, and a lot of what she does is like soul lesson communication. So I do believe that we have soulmates in life, and I think our dogs, pets, cats, whoever, any beings, I think are soul connected to us. And I do believe that our soulmates do teach us lessons, often challenging lessons. She said that his soul lesson for me, more than anything, is presence. She said, I

feel like when he came into your life, was it kind of like chaotic? And has he grounded you a bit and slowed you down? Yes, that is always one of the cutest things. It would kind of annoy me at first, but when I got rad, I would take him for a walk and he would just stand there. He would just stop all over in the middle of the street sometimes. That was not good. Uh, just like randomly stop and just smell the air for a long time. And at first I was like, come on, come on, let's go. And then I thought one day, why am

I rushing him? Why am I doing the thing to him that I hate when people do to me? Rush me. I don't like being in a rush. One of my mantras is, I am exactly perfectly on time. And yet I was rushing him, pulling him. I was always kind of wanting to end our walk sooner. And I literally had this epiphany one day when I was at this beautiful redwood forest park that he loves, and he wanted to just keep walking. And he even jumped into the little stream, and he is not a water dog, and he was so happy. And when I realized that I

was rushing him to go where I didn't have anywhere to be. I was just so used to it, thinking we gotta keep moving. I cried so hard and I felt so bad. And I said, Raddy, I'm so sorry. I'm not gonna do that anymore. So he really has slowed me down and invited me to be present. To now, when he stops, I just stop with him and I'm like, okay, we're gonna be smelling the air together. What if we just did that more? What if we just not even stopped to smell the roses, which he does too. But what if we just stopped and smelled the

air?

What a gift he's given me in that. So I believed her when he said that the soul lesson was presence. He also told her that what he really wants is for me to feel appreciated because he said that I give a lot to other people and I'm taking care of a lot of other people. And she said something like, he's like, that's effed up. She needs to be appreciated more for how great she is, but she needs to ask for more support too. So his like homework for me was that in a moment when he's having a seizure, because he will have them, or he's shaking,

he sometimes just shakes. Um, he wants me in that moment to stay really calm and breathe and ask myself, what do I need? And do that. He said he wants me to take care of myself, to not worry about him. He said he's really resilient and that he's gonna be okay. He's not afraid, and he loves life, and he loves me. And that was really sweet. He also called me mom, she said. So thank you, Julie, wherever you are out there, because I spent $125 to speak with you, and my heart felt peace amidst absolute torture. And then I spent $7,000 the next day to be

told that Raddy had a brain tumor. And you know what's interesting is um I wanted to do the MRI right away, but I couldn't get an appointment for three weeks. And I had one set, and then right after I got off the phone with Julie, the pet hospital called and said, Hey, we have an opening tomorrow. Do you want to come in? Yes. And I've been thinking in the last couple of days, I kind of wish I hadn't, you know, because probably in a few weeks nothing would have changed, but I wouldn't have known. And maybe that would have been better. Because now that I've known

it's it's hit me more. And yet it it I guess I was supposed to know sooner. Because maybe the sooner I can really face this, the sooner I could embrace it and let it be. Because it is this is it. This is it. But how is this it? I always say it's dangerous to ask why too much. Why? There's no answer to why this is happening. This doesn't feel fair, this feels so cruel. And my good friend said something to me. Shout out to Gene. I love you so much. Sent me a really beautiful voice note. Gene is a Dharma teacher, and he really helped me

when I was going through hard times. And he's been super loving and compassionate. He sent me a note and he said something like, you know, instead of letting go, what if you allow something to leave? And he was talking about, you know, Rad's departure. And again, Rad's still here, but soon, at some point, as all of us, hopefully not too soon, we'll depart our bodies. And I thought, what does it look like for me to allow Rad to leave? You know, hold on tightly, let go lightly. Because I do want Radish to leave when he's ready. I do not want this love of mine to spend

a second suffering here, and yet, how am I gonna know? How am I gonna make that decision? I never want. Him to leave. So that's what I'm grappling with now. And I've had some people say to me, you know, you'll know. They'll tell you. And so

now what?

Here's what I want. I want to live as if he's not dying. Meaning, I don't want to be uh delusional and think, well, he'll be completely fine. He'll live till 20, as I was saying. Because that's very likely not going to happen. It's very likely, according to science, that Rad probably won't be around a very, very long time. But it's actually very possible that he'll live six months or a year or two. Hi, Raddy. He's coming over to say, uh, yeah, I don't want to go anywhere. He'd probably want some water, so you can go in the kitchen and get some. I hope there's water in

his bowl. Um, I don't want to live waiting for death. And that's not just around rad. I don't want to live waiting for my death either. I think so many people are half dead already because they're just paranoid and nervous about all the horrible shit that could happen, that honestly often doesn't, but when it does, then you can deal with it. Right? Like I had those moments of grief when I cried over Rad, and then I went back and just loved it even more. And that's what I'm doing now. So I want to live the time that I have with him, which I do hope for

miracles and believe in magic. And I say this to people all the time. People are afraid to believe in magic and miracles and in the best possible thing that could happen, which is Rad lives for years and he's well. Because if it doesn't happen, they're afraid they're just gonna be so heartbroken. But you know what? I'm gonna be heartbroken anyway. So I might as well actually be a little bit delusional and believe that maybe in this case, he can make it a long time. And I want to be open to the possibility that he could go any day. He could not come out of a seizure.

He could also, I mean, we could both get hit by a car because we're not paying attention, right? So none of us know how much time we have. So instead of focusing on all those horrible thoughts that my mind is making up, because we are wired towards negativity and fear, I want to focus on the fact that 535 days in a row of joy and unconditional love feels like I won the freaking lottery. Really? It's like, wow. And then when the thought comes in of, yeah, and when he dies, you are gonna want to die, and you're never gonna feel joy, and you're never gonna love

any dog the same way, even though you want to have all the dogs. Oh my God, and does that make you bad that you're thinking about having other dogs, right? That shit spiral, I bring myself back and I masterfully listen to, but today is a gift. Today's such a gift. Seeing him wagging his tail right now and licking an empty bowl. That's what he's doing. He's in the kitchen licking a bowl, trying to eat food that's not there, which he does all the time, which is very funny. And I say, you know what, Raddy, you are committed. And actually, in some moments when I've been able

to like have more levity with this situation, I said, Rad, really? You decided to also have a mental health issue? Because like everyone else in my family does. Cool. You wanted to join the team. And his medicine, one of them, he's on an anti-seizure medication, but also I have to start giving him actually, ooh, I need to do that when I wrap up. Steroid. Uh, they make them more hungry. And so the doctor told me that. I'm like, Rad, did you do all of this just so I give you more food and treats? Because that was smart, although not cool, dude. You know, could you have

done something else? So I'm finding some way to laugh when I can. Uh, because I'm pretty sure that when Rad decides it's time to go on to his next adventure as his beautiful spirit, that first of all, he's literally going to be in my heart forever. Plus, a few people have told me, and I don't know if this is true, but if it is at all possible, I will do this. Apparently, you can cremate your pet and then take their ashes and put it into tattooing and get tattooed with it. And as those of you who know me know, I am heavily covered in tattoos that

have deep meaning for me. And I was supposed to finish my sleeve uh a few weeks ago, and I had this feeling last minute, don't do it. And now I know why, because that whole sleeve will be rad. And if his body can be in my body, yes to that. I've already started thinking, I'm gonna take all his ashes and I'm gonna put it everywhere. I'm gonna make jewelry, I'm gonna put it in the hats, and then I feel guilty for thinking about that. I've thought, I'm gonna take every piece of clothing he has and I'm gonna make it into a piece of clothing for me,

and I'm gonna wear it, and I'm never gonna get rid of his blankets or his toys. And then, you know, I think, why are why are you thinking that already? You're already thinking about him leaving. And so, you know, again, back and forth. Oh my God, am I doing the best thing I can do? Was I responsible for the tumor? Maybe I didn't feed him right, right? All the questions. And back to the listening of, am I listening to the right questions? So, what are the questions I really want to ask right now? And I don't think they are why is this happening to him? Why

is this happening to me? Why is life so freaking unfair? What am I gonna do to survive? Will I even want to live? No, I want to ask, what can I do today to have the best rad day ever? How do I want to show up for him so that he feels that I'm calm and can just love him without panic and worry? What does believing in magic and miracles look like? How do we have the greatest time? Where do we want to take our road trip? Because I've always wanted to take him on a long road trip, and we haven't gotten to do that yet,

and we will do that. What is the best food that I could feed him? And how do I not overfeed him, but give him everything he pretty much wants because I think he deserves it? Right? Like, I just want to ask good questions. And I want to keep reminding myself and you out there as I start to wrap up that what we choose to listen to inside our own mind really, really, really matters, especially when we're devastated and in grief. Crying is healthy. Screaming, being angry, all of it, feel it, feel it, feel it, express it. Um, I was literally screaming in the middle of the

night two nights ago when he kept me up. He was growling, Radish. He's fine. He, I think, dropped a bowl. As you can tell, I am letting myself be distracted right now. A little bit, I had to put a little bell on him. So when I hear a noise, I always check to make sure he's okay. And I think he's just again eating the empty food bowl. Um, what was I saying? Yes, I was screaming in the middle of the night because I was actually mad at him. He was being so growly and weird, and he was coming off of anesthesia, and I was, I didn't

know what to do. He literally kept me up all night, and I found myself screaming at God. What am I supposed to do? Help me. What do I do? Like a dog cannot tell you what's wrong. And Rad is not a barker and a growler, and suddenly he's doing this and he's looking at me and he looks confused. And I'm thinking, oh my God, the brain tumors, he's declining. Oh my God, I'm not gonna sleep. My life is over, my job is over, the shit spiral, the shit spiral. And then I said, It's okay. I'm sorry, I'm yelling at you. But it it makes sense that

I feel this way. I feel so alone, I feel so scared. I don't feel qualified to handle this, but this is it. This is it. This is it has been my mantra forever because this is the reality. I don't like it. I would do anything to change this diagnosis to change that he's sick. Truly, I wish it was me. But I also don't because if it was me, maybe I couldn't take care of him. And I am so grateful that Rad chose me. I'm so grateful that he chose me to take care of him because I will take the best care of him ever. You hear

me, Radish? Yeah, um, it it is an honor to care for him. So if you've ever been out there thinking, oh, I want to maybe adopt an older dog, but don't, no butt, do it. I would adopt Rad a million times again. He has opened my heart and allowed me to love every dog because of Rad. I love every dog. I see him in every dog. Where are you? You standing behind me

searching for more food. Um, yeah, literally, I would adopt him a million times again. Um, I will also name every dog a version of Rad. Radical, radish, ratifer, really, and maybe that's weird, but I don't care. This guy has changed me and transformed me. And I hope and pray, and I will invite you to please pray if you believe in prayers and just send Rad love and imagine him happy, kicking a bunch after he pees a bazillion times. He pees more than any dog on a walk I've ever seen. It's hilarious. And just um send me some too. I'd appreciate that. When you think of me,

I don't want you to feel sorry for me. Um, I do appreciate empathy and uh love. Um, but yeah, I don't regret a second of my decision. I am so grateful that I get to care for him. And I'm so grateful that he cares for me because he is giving me the most profoundly deep understanding of what unconditional love is in a way I never understood in any relationship I've ever had in my life. And I hope that one day I can make an episode about the magic and miracle of my dog somehow living past every diagnosed average lifespan of dogs or something else uplifting about

how I survived the the death of my dog and found joy and hope and love again, you know. But for now, I'm gonna stop being in the future, and I'm gonna invite you to be even more present today than ever before for rad. Okay, whatever you're going through, just consider standing outside and smelling the air

and slowing down, taking a really awesome detour, adopting an older dog, giving your dog some extra healthy treats, and making sure that you find a way to sleep through the night with whatever stress you have, and that if you find yourself screaming at your dog or your kid and having horrible thoughts, forgive yourself and perhaps say, May peace be with you, because you're allowed to be human. It's really hard to be human. This whole thing is about loss, love, loss, radical love, yeah. So thank you, Raddy. Thank you, my baby sweet Rad, for teaching me such hard lessons through which I hope my heart will grow

bigger and wider and stronger, and that one day not only will I do work as a coach to help adults with their development and health, but that I could help animals too, and adults with animals. So I think somehow this might set me on a deeper path of doing healing work with the furry, furry ones too, because oh boy, do I feel this radical love now, and I wish that for you, and your homework assignment is to go and hug your dog or cat or friend, and seriously, I hope you smell the air a little more on your walks and slow it down and enjoy all

the precious moments that you have without spending way too much time in a future state that frankly none of us can control, right? Thank you for listening. And uh, if you have the means and the desire, I am gonna list um my Venmo handle. If you want to make a donation for Rad's medical bills, they will surely continue to rise. And I considered doing a crowdfunding campaign, but honestly, I just want to put my energy towards Rad and not towards managing anything more online than I have to. I'm gonna keep making this show to the best of my ability. I don't think it's gonna be on

as consistent of a schedule as I was planning. And yet, that is a detour I am more than happy to make. Any of your love and support in any way will be appreciated, even if all you do is think of us, think of Rad, treat your loved one a little more kinder with more appreciation, because everything can shift in a second. And I know that you know that, and I knew that too, but I really, really know that now. I feel it. Um, and yeah, please do share this these words, this chance to listen more deeply and masterfully with someone else that you love. And I'll

see you next time.