Mastering the Art of Inquiry: Ask Great Questions, Get Great Answers... Ask Crappy Questions, Ruin Your Life

Hey, masterful listener. Welcome, welcome back to today's episode. This episode is a week late. Last week I did record an episode, and when I re-listened to it, which I do every single time, something just wasn't right. There were a few moments where I didn't exactly like what I said or how I said it. And because I too am an inspiring, masterful listener, I certainly am not an expert. I thought, you know, listening masterfully can only really happen if whoever you're speaking with or listening to is speaking in a way that is as masterful as possible. And it just wasn't. It was actually the first time that

I recorded an episode and decided not to post it. You know, I'm creating this show the way that I try to create anything in my life, which is from a really authentic place. I'm not someone who likes to overplan really anything, but I'm definitely someone who likes to really invest in the things that matter to me. And so I thought, you know what, better for me to skip a week and just kind of sit with some questions about what was it about that episode that I didn't fully think was good enough to share with the world. And the topic of it was super important. It was

actually about coaching and misconceptions around coaching. And I sat with so many questions that I thought, that's the episode I'm going to actually record next. An episode, an ode to the power of the questions that we're asking. Masterful questions. We are all, I think, so obsessed with finding the answers, having the right answer. But I think the questions that we ask are even more important than the answers that we get. And as a coach, all I'm really doing is asking the best possible questions. Because if you ask great questions, you get great answers. And if you ask crappy questions, you ruin your life. I started saying

that a few months ago, kind of as a joke. And then the more I thought about it, I thought, mm-mm, that is not a joke. That is true. The questions that we ask completely shift everything. And so today that's what we're going to dive into. So welcome back to the world's first super rad listening school. Thank you for your patience and for your understanding. We took a week off, but hopefully this one will make up for it. So, for those of you who've been listening to the show, you know about the flow of how these episodes go. We are in school. So I'm going to do

a bit of a summary of what it means to masterfully listen. If you're hearing this for the first time, awesome. What a great one to jump in on. So what is masterful listening? Well, it means you're really deeply present. You're not doing anything else, you're not thinking about anything else. If you catch yourself being distracted, you come back. You come back. Just bring yourself back. Masterful listening is a meditation. It is a mindfulness practice where you are really focused on the words that are coming out of someone's mouth, but also their energy. What do they look like? What is their body doing? We really say so

much without saying anything sometimes. And if we're really paying attention to someone and we are ensuring that they feel heard and that what they say is what you hear, that is the greatest gift in the world. But time is precious. Who we give our time to, how we give our time to people. It's a gift. And I really keep making a deeper, deeper, deeper effort to be as present as possible and really listen. Listen not to reply, listen, and not to just make it about me, but listen just to be with someone and give them some acknowledgement and some love and some understanding or some empathy

or whatever it feels like they need in that moment. And frankly, the best way to know what someone needs without assuming is to just ask. Hence why we're going to be talking about the art of inquiry. Powerful questions. God, you know that moment where someone asks you a question and you're like, oh, that's a good question, because it makes you think there's a depth to it. And the thing is, often when someone asks us a question from a place of genuine curiosity, which is also, by the way, a big component of masterful listening. People can feel when you're kind of asking a question just to ask

it, oh, how are you doing? versus like, hey, tell me about like the best part of your day. What was great about it? What did that feel like? Like, people can feel genuineness. So if you actually are not curious and your intention isn't to understand, to connect, to care, don't ask questions. Seriously. The way we ask a question, our tone, and also just the way we word it, changes everything. If I come to you and I say, hey, why'd you do that? Versus, hey, um, what led you to make that decision? That is almost the exact same question. And it is a thousand percent different. Because

often the word why, which is a great word, by the way, shout out to Simon Sinek, we gotta know our why. But why often takes time. I have been in therapy for almost a decade trying to understand why. And that is a great inquiry. But often we're asking so many why questions, why this, why that. And the thing is, A, it puts people on the defensive. Why did I do that? Uh maybe they don't know why. Um, and it's just harder to respond to often versus what? What is my favorite word to start a question with? What's important about that? What do you value? What if

everything is happening perfectly? What if? That's probably one of my favorite questions ever. What if everything is happening perfectly? Especially in times where it seems like everything is completely screwed up, and there's no way that what is happening is the right thing because it sucks and it's confusing. To even consider asking that question, what if everything is happening perfectly just creates an opportunity to even consider something because we don't know why things happen. When Rad got diagnosed a month and a half ago with his brain tumor, that week the question that was in my mind about my sweet dog who is my best friend, was why

is this happening? Why is this happening? And there was no answer. And the more I asked that question, the worse I felt. So I noticed that and I asked myself, what is a better question? And the question that I came up with was, what can I do today and every day to give Rad and me the best life, considering what's happening? And since I've started asking that question and answering it, everything got better. First of all, Rad hasn't had a single seizure, which is incredible because what I found out that day at the neurosurgeon's or neuro whatever neurologist's office was that when this starts happening, it

keeps happening often, and dogs can decline super fast who are older. He's been totally fine. And I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's the prayers that I give him every time I feed him or just the fact that I keep looking for some magic. But so far, he's all right. And I wake up every day grateful that he's all right, and I say, What are we gonna do to make today a rad day? And that is way better than why is this happening? So typically in these episodes, I tell a story. Today's gonna be a little bit different. I'm not gonna tell

a story, but I'm gonna give you a lot, a lot, a lot of examples of questions that typically start with why, and I'm gonna reframe them and rewrite them into what questions. I think you will find this really, really, really useful. So I actually suggest for this one, if you're in a space where you can take some notes, grab a pen and paper, write these down. Just shifting one word in a question. Just getting more intentional with why am I even asking this question? What's important about this particular question is because there's a million questions you could ask. And we're often asking the crappiest questions and

then wondering why are we miserable? Again, a very hard question to answer, although I bet you know some of the answers. For me, why am I often miserable? Because I'm spinning in my head a bunch of shit. There's a bunch of thoughts spinning around that I don't have answers to. Why doesn't my friend text me back? Why doesn't someone care? Why didn't I get that callback from that job? What's wrong with me? You know, that's a what one that could be a tough one. So again, are you looking for problems or are you looking for solutions? We find what we're looking for. So I think the

first step today is I'm gonna invite you to listen masterfully to the best of your ability. So if you're you know listening to this in the background and kind of tuning in and out, I recommend you stop and you listen to this at a time where you can actually practice the art of listening, masterful listening. That's what this is. This is a school. Take some notes. If you get distracted, bring yourself back. And thank you for giving yourself the gift of practice. I had someone in a class today ask me about um, we were talking about the art of influencing others, but without authority. And I

gave five different ways. And this man said, Well, like, does this get easier, or do you always have to consider different ways of like being with someone? Or does it just start coming naturally to you? And I said, Well, the incredible thing about the brain, which is amazing, is that neuroplasticity exists, and that just means that our brains can literally change and grow with time. And what does it take? Just like muscles, practice. So the more you first even become aware of what are my thoughts? What am I saying? What am I asking? And then pause and think, hmm, is that the approach that I want

to take? And one way to know whether the approach that you're taking or the questions that you're asking are the one that you want to choose is how's your life working? How are your relationships working? How's your work going? I can say for me, professionally, I feel so grateful and blessed. I love what I do. It's like a 10, 10 out of 10 right now. Uh, relationship-wise in my life, probably a two. I think a lot of the questions I've been asking myself and even others have not been landing, which is a pretty horrible thing to realize. That's why I've also been in this um a

bit of a dark night of the soul, not understanding why a lot of my relationships don't feel good, but I really think it's also about the questions that I'm asking and what am I searching for? Because I kept asking, for example, why doesn't this person care about me? Why doesn't this person want to be my friend? And that wasn't helping. So I started asking things like, what am I not seeing? What am I missing? And what do I need in a friend? What's important to me that is a standard, not just an expectation I am putting on someone. What's the difference between expectations and standards? That's

a great freaking question. I'm trying to answer that one myself, right? So again, consider your life, consider what's working and what's not. And I guarantee that if there's an area in your life, financial, health, love, work that's not working, it has something to do with the questions that you're asking, both yourself and of others. Okay. So now in this next little section, I am literally going to share some examples of questions that are why questions that we're gonna shift into what questions. And let's see how this goes. And by the way, my favorite question, no, I'm gonna save it to the end. You gotta listen, but

I'm gonna share one question that is truly so helpful and so powerful and so transformative, especially in difficult times. So stay tuned for that. And by the way, this is meant to help you have some tools so you can reframe questions, gain clarity. And really, I don't know if there's a secret to living a masterful life, but if there is, this is definitely a part of it. It's about profound inquiry. All right, so why do I keep repeating the same mistakes? How about what lessons can I learn from my repeated mistakes? Why am I always feeling overwhelmed? What strategies can I implement to better manage my

workload? And also notice how often you generalize your questions. So when you feel overwhelmed, if you're saying, why am I always feeling overwhelmed? Just that word always, oh, it makes it so much heavier. So even why am I feeling overwhelmed in this moment is a better question than why am I always overwhelmed, right? Can you feel that energy is so different? Why do I struggle with self-confidence? What steps can I take to boost my self-confidence? How about why am I not achieving my goals? What can I do in this moment to align myself with my goals? What actions can I take? What one action can I

take to align myself with my goals? And what are my goals? Why do I find it difficult to communicate effectively? What communication techniques can I practice to improve my effectiveness? How about why do I procrastinate so much? I've definitely asked that. Well, what can I do to overcome my procrastination and enhance my productivity? What do I need to get going? What would inspire me to do this thing? Also, even what's in my way of starting right now? Because trying to answer why do I procrastinate so much, I'm telling you, that is a big loaded question. And I think the why is a great prompt for the

loaded questions, but they take time, which is why I love coaching, because the coaching is about the what and the how, whereas the therapy is about the why, which again is awesome. It matters, it's helpful, but you can actually get more stuck. And I don't want you to get more stuck. I want you as a coach to move forward, but like with presence and um with some good momentum and with some authenticity, right? What about why do I feel stuck in my current situation? Try what opportunities exist for me to create positive change in my life? What about why do I struggle with making decisions? What

decision-making methods can I employ to make more confident choices? What about this particular decision about is really key and is holding me back? Maybe there's just an aspect of it, right? Breaking things down simplifies it. Simplicity is genius. The best questions I think are super simple. They're not always super easy to answer, but the more you simplify them, the easier they are to address. This one's one I've been feeling recently and asking, why do I feel disconnected from my passions? What step can I take today to reconnect me with a passion and find some fulfillment? You'll notice I often say, what step and today? Because the

more you actually do one thing today versus what are all the steps I need. Although, again, if you like, if you're a step person, you like a plan, cool. What does a plan look like that I can make right now, tonight, that would connect me to my passions? And even, you know, what are my passions now? How have my passions shifted? Also, I do like how questions, but the timing of those really matters. Because if you want to do something and you start with the how, you're gonna get stuck because no one knows the how. Often we don't know the how. The how unfolds when you

start with what. Trust me. Why do I constantly compare myself to others because you're trying to ruin your life? But let's let's reframe that one. Why do I constantly compare myself to others? Uh, what can I do to cultivate self-acceptance and focus on my own journey? Comparison is the quickest way to despair. And by the way, we do this because we're taught to, right? We're competing in school, we're always looking outward, we're not beautiful enough or thin enough, or smart enough, or this enough, and that enough. BS. Just what can I do to stop comparing and start really focusing on me? The only competition you have,

truly, is within yourself. And you've already won. You've already won when you even. Start going inward and start paying attention to your thoughts. That is such a win. Just listening to this, if you're still here, is a win. Seriously. Acknowledge your wins. How about if you're stagnant in your career? Why am I feeling unfulfilled in my current career? What can align me to my career passions and purpose? What matters to me? What causes do I really care about? What about our mission matters most? Why do I struggle to maintain work-life balance? Anyone out there struggle with that? Yeah. What strategies can I implement to achieve a

healthier work-life integration? Much better question. And let's make it even better than that. What does a healthy work-life balance even look like? Write it out. Let me tell you what mine is. Today was actually an awesome example of that. For me, a healthy work-life balanced day is I wake up around 6:15, 6:30 after eight hours of great sleep. And again, I try to speak what I want to create and not in like a mystical way. I'm reading this amazing book right now. Shout out to Dr. James Doty, uh, Magic Mind. And this is neuroscience. The more you speak things and visualize them, the more your brain

actually thinks that's what's happening. Our brain cannot tell the difference between what we deeply visualize and what we actually see. Think about the power of that. So if you're constantly imagining and asking questions about why everything's so bad and why I'm so unfulfilled, rather what can I do today that's fulfilling a small thing? What is fulfilling for me? When was the last time I felt fulfilled? What was I doing then? Oh, there's something I might want to try for five minutes. Start small. It works better. Why do I find it challenging to build meaningful relationships? Wow, I have really been asking that one too. How about

what can I do to foster genuine connection with others? And if you want to make it really specific, what is one thing I know I could do for this particular person that I know would be meaningful to them and mean something and deepen our connection? And if you don't know, what an awesome question to ask a friend. What is something I can do to make you feel appreciated and valued? Wow. I don't remember the last time someone asked me that. Just being asked that is so meaningful. How about why am I feeling overwhelmed by grief and loss? Even if you can answer that one, like I

can answer why I've been overwhelmed by grief and loss. I've been overwhelmed because my best friend in the world got sick, and my friends haven't been showing up for me the way I'd love, and my parents are sick, and like there's all these reasons. But instead, what resources and support can I seek to navigate this grieving process and then actually do something? Right. Because the asking of the question is the first step, but the taking some action is the key. But figuring out the right action starts with the best question. You know, a more general one. Why do I often doubt my abilities and my self-worth?

Why am I not good enough? What practice or ritual can I adopt to cultivate self-belief and boost my self-esteem? What makes me feel good about myself? For me, wearing a bright color, a scarf, putting on some makeup always makes me feel better. Like I joke that sometimes I feel like such garbage, but I look cute and it helps in some way. I I don't even, I can't even really describe it. Or sometimes when I'm feeling really crappy and I'll go outside and I'm taking a walk with Rad, and this happened yesterday, and I don't even think I look particularly cute or good. I'm just wearing one

of my rad hats, and someone's like, yo, cool style. And I'm like, thank you. That uplifted me for five seconds. That was five seconds of goodness that I wouldn't have had. Again, little, little things, little shifts in your question will shift the answers, will shift your mood, will shift your beliefs, will shift your thoughts. And no, this isn't going to happen overnight, but it adds up, it adds up, it adds up, it adds up. And suddenly you will notice that your brain is functioning differently. I am definitely asking better questions than I was 10 years ago. I'm still asking crappy ones. I'm also way more aware

of it. And when I catch myself in that shit spiral of why, why, why, I just notice it compassionately now. I don't kick myself when I'm down nearly as much as I used to. And that's already a triumph for any of you out there like me, who are super hard on yourselves. And I can kind of guarantee, most likely, whoever's listening can probably relate to that a bit, right? And when, you know, when we're on this personal growth journey, uh, it's like sometimes we can feel stuck. So why do I feel stuck in my personal growth journey? What areas of personal development can I focus on

to break through this plateau? Or what's one area I can focus on that'll help me break through this plateau I'm feeling? We all hit a plateau. It happens. But what do we do to get through that? Are you someone that struggles to effectively communicate your needs and relationships? Maybe a little bit of a people pleaser. I say that with no judgment. How about what can I learn that will help me be more assertive and enhance my relationship dynamics? Why do I fear failure and taking risks? Because you're human. But let's reframe that question. How about what mindset shifts can I make to embrace failure as a

stepping stone to success? When I think of failure, I always remember someone saying to me, failure without fulfillment is the ultimate failure. And I loved that. If you're failing a lot, like me, it means you're trying to do something. It means you're actually showing up and good for you. I would rather keep failing than just sitting around and wondering what if and never trying because I'm afraid, which is why that what if it was possible? What if it works out even better than I imagined? Because let me tell you, often we come up with the most horrible futures, and then we wonder again why our society

is so plagued with depression and anxiety and mental health issues. And I'm someone who struggled with them. The questions we're asking, the things we're looking for. If you keep looking for problems, you will find them. And if you look for more solutions, you will find them. They don't always come right away. And the answers aren't exactly what we would like, but it's not about that. It's about are you learning? What are you learning? What are you applying? What about if you're finding it hard to get over loss? Someone hurt you, forgiveness. So, why do I find it difficult to let go of past hurt and forgive?

What is one thing I could do to cultivate forgiveness and find emotional healing? What would forgiveness feel like? If I forgave, how would that benefit me? Because you know, not forgiving really just hurts you, not the other person. Um that's a tricky one, right? It's hard to forgive certain things, but you want to consider like, what do I really want here? That's like probably one of my favorite things to ask in a relationship that's feeling really screwed up. Like, what do I really want as the highest outcome? Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy and do I even want this

person in my life? I'm usually a big fan of open-ended questions, but sometimes a close-ended question is super important because if you ask yourself, do I actually really want this person in my life? Or am I just trying to have them in my life because they've been there and I'm comfortable? And if the answer is no, I don't actually really want this person in my life, that's some clarity. And it could hurt, but the more people in your life and the more things in your life that you have that you don't really want or need, the less room you have for the right people, the right

work, the right passion, right? The right wardrobe. It literally applies to anything. What about dealing with change and uncertainty? That's always super tricky, right? So, why do I feel overwhelmed by change and uncertainty? Quick answer for that one, uh, from a neuroscientific perspective, by the way, our brain registers uncertainty as a gap, like a hole that it wants to fill. That's why it's so scary and we want to fill it right away. We want answers. But asking, why do I feel overwhelmed by change and uncertainty isn't nearly as powerful as asking what mindset and coping mechanism can I develop to embrace change and navigate uncertainty because

it's inevitable. Trying to get rid of change is like trying to not be human. Like you are human, whether you like it or not, you right now, whoever you are, you awesome human, you're human, and being human sucks sometimes. And change sucks sometimes. You know, even positive change can suck because it's just like destabilizing. But the key is instead of like, why am I overwhelmed? Because you're human, what is one mindset shift I could even consider to help me navigate the inevitability of the change? And what would it feel like to be excited about change rather than terrified? I really love that question. Same thing with

why do I struggle to bounce back from setbacks? How about what resilience building practice can I adopt to overcome obstacles and thrive in the face of adversity? I love the question: what does thriving look like instead of how do I survive this? What would it look like to thrive through this absolutely excruciating time? I'm asking myself that a lot now. In the past week, as I've been dealing with a lot of grief and confusion and pain, I've been pulling some tarot cards because I like I like it all. I like the spirituality, the mysticism. I'm really deep, though, in the science of how the brain works.

And I pulled a card four times in a row out of a deck of 78 cards that I shuffled. And you know what card I pulled? The death card. By the third time, I kind of smiled. And then this morning, when I pulled it again, I was like, okay, seriously. And it was actually in another deck. So two different decks, I kept pulling the same card. The statistical probability of that is tiny. So there's something to that. And the death card isn't like a physical death, it means something massive is shifting and dying and transforming, and it's painful. But with death comes rebirth. So I really

have been asking myself, like, what does it look like to thrive through this death instead of completely collapse even deeper? Although I gotta say, if you, like me, are in like a death cycle, another great question that's really been helping me is what does it look like to really let myself die? Meaning, just be in it. Because when you fight with reality, you always lose. And sometimes we just gotta surrender and let it go. Because I think if you're like really tired and your spirit and your soul and the human being just like needs to release something, needs to die, but we keep trying to hold

on and trying to be happy, then we can't fully release it, and then we can't fully feel good because we haven't released the shit that's holding us back. So, like, what can I do to be okay with feeling like absolute garbage for a while and making it okay? What would it be like to be okay even if I'm not? That I love it's such a great question. What does it look like to just be pretty okay even when shit's kind of not okay? I think when you find that one, I mean, everything kind of becomes okay, right? Because everything is okay, just doesn't feel like it

sometimes, right? You notice how when you're really upset and you're spinning with all these horrible questions and horrible answers, it can feel like life is so overwhelming that sometimes it feels like you don't even want to do it anymore. I know I felt that, and when I noticed that, so if you notice yourself stuck in like a bad shit spiral of really crappy questions, the best thing to do, I would say, is not even to reframe them, but just to pause, breathe, and stop. You can say something like, do no harm, or peace be with you, just stop. Stop. Because we gotta stop that shit spiral.

It's not effective. If you want to uh some more tools about that, there's an episode in season one you can listen to. Uh all right, let's see, let's get some more questions. Ooh, this is a good one. A lot of people have trouble delegating. I've been seeing this come up in a lot of my coaching sessions recently. So, why do I find it difficult to delegate tasks and trust others? Well, what is one way I can practice delegation knowing it will enhance others' growth and give me some more time to focus on the stuff I really like or I'm great at, right? What would make delegation

feel good? What would make me enjoy it? What would be the benefit if I delegated all that stuff I'm doing that I don't need to be doing that someone might even enjoy doing? Uh, what if I valued myself enough to just take a little bit more off my plate and stopped assuming that I'm bothering someone else by asking for help? What if that delegation is gonna help someone else grow in exactly the area that they want? What if? Hmm. Yeah. Or what if you're feeling disconnected from your intuition and inner wisdom? You know, why do I feel disconnected from my intuition, inner wisdom? I felt that.

Well, you can ask, what practice can I engage in to strengthen my connection to myself and cultivate greater self-trust, right? And also, I gotta say, with the intuition one, this is super important because intuition is also a muscle. Okay, the best way to grow that is just to trust it. So anytime you get that gut feeling, follow it, see how it goes. My gut feeling has never been wrong, ever. Only when I don't listen to it and then think, why didn't that go so well? Because I didn't listen to myself. So just practice that. Trust yourself. You know more than you think. You don't know what

you don't know until you know, you know? That's why you gotta ask good questions. What about this one? I know a lot of people who struggle with vulnerability. I'm one of them as well, but I've done quite a bit of work on it, and this really screws up your relationships. Why do I fear vulnerability and opening up emotionally? What is one thing I need to feel safe and create a safe and supportive environment for vulnerability to open up? What specifically about vulnerability is the scariest part. What's one thing I can do to lean into that? What would having more vulnerability in my life bring me? How

would my relationship flourish if I was able to be more vulnerable? How might that serve me and my friends? And in general, if you're feeling, you know, disempowered in certain areas of your life, why do I feel disempowered? What can help me reclaim my power and cultivate a sense of empowerment? What, what, what? If you take one thing from today, take what? Just write the word why on a post-it, cross it out, and put the word what there. And anytime you ask a why question, kind of like what we just did, I think that was like 30 questions, turn it into a what question. It's a

really cool practice. And let me give you a step-by-step guide. Okay. Sometimes going deeper, deeper, deeper is super helpful. So let me think of which one to focus on.

Let's just uh make it about communication, right? Because I think often when people think of communication, they think of uh speaking, right? We're taught how to speak and read and write. How about how to listen? I'd say listening is probably the most powerful uh communication skill that we don't really learn until now. So let's say you're really wanting to like reflect on your communication abilities and maybe why you're not communicating as effectively as you'd like. Okay. So the first step is to really reflect on your perception of what even is communication. So consider what communication means to you. How do you define great communication? Identify a

few types of communication styles and techniques that you appreciate in others. So think of someone, an individual right now, think of someone in your life who you believe possesses strong communication skills and techniques. What do they do? How do they speak? Write it down, get specific, right? So, who in my life do I feel? I had a mentor in my Stanford Compassion program who I felt was just the most incredible communicator. And I saw this in how she gave feedback. First of all, she presented it as appreciative feedback, which was super interesting because typically it's like constructive or positive. But this was appreciative. And then she

was so thorough. She was uh she kind of spoke in this very clear, slow way. She gave such great specific details. God, it was so easy to listen to her. So that's my example of a person. Okay. So that's step one is just reflect on your perception of what it means to actually be a great communicator. And step two, define healthy communication for you. So ponder what healthy communication looks like, sounds like, feels like when you're in an interaction that's like a healthy communication exchange. What does that feel like? Does your heart expand? Do you feel warm? Do you feel excited? Like envision the qualities and

behaviors that characterize healthy communication in your relationships. Think of the last time you had an incredible exchange with someone. What happened? What'd you say? What'd they say? How are you speaking? What was your tone? Envision it and explore more in your mind. If I was practicing this more, how would this open and effective communication contribute to more harmonious connections in my life? Oh my gosh. If I was able to communicate to the best of my ability in every single interaction, which is an awesome thing to work towards. I don't know if I'll ever get there, but I'd like to imagine what if that was possible? I

think I would just have such peaceful, mutually beneficial, loving, supportive relationships. There's probably nothing that I want more than that. Right? So then step three is identifying areas for improvement. Reflect on your personal relationships and pinpoint specific instances where conflicts arise due to communication challenges. Consider which specific relationships in your life would really benefit from more harmony in your communication and in your relationship in general. And just recognize your desire to improve and strengthen communication. That in itself is such a beautiful quality to see in yourself. And actually, even saying that right now, I feel almost overwhelmed, but in a sweet way towards myself, because I've

been so hard on myself recently thinking, what is wrong with me? Why are my relationships so messed up in some ways? And now I'm kind of thinking, wow, I have such a sincere desire to improve and strengthen the bonds I have. And that's real. Now, whether I'm doing it super well yet is a whole other thing, but yeah, that's a really cool thing to remember. Cause I think the more I'm really mean to myself and judgmental, that certainly doesn't lead to much harmony within myself or with others. You know what I mean? And step four, engage in journaling. So, like as we've been going through these

steps, if I hadn't mentioned, I'd like to mention, definitely journal about all these, right? Like the best way to actually ask questions and answer them is by writing them down. It helps us remember, it builds new neural pathways to write things down, but actually have a journaling practice. Take out a journal, a notebook, and just write freely in response to as many questions as you can without overthinking. But here are three in particular. What does healthy communication look like, sound like, and feel like to me? Get as specific as you can. Don't worry about the right answer or it being grammatically correct. There's like a free

flow, just see what comes up. How would I describe a relationship that's harmonious? Yeah. Get really, really specific with that one. And also, who to buy who to buy? Who do I aspire to have a more harmonious relationship and connection with? And my suggestion not to tell you what to do, but to nudge you lovingly is um aspire to have a more harmonious relationship and connection first with yourself. It really does start with that. The more you practice on you, the easier it becomes with others, right? So journal, journal, journal. I've actually implemented a new ritual in my life this week, and it's really helped. Uh,

no more phone before bed. I've said this, I've known this, you've probably heard this. I do not bring my phone into my bed. I bring a journal and a pen, and every night before bed, I journal for at least 10 minutes. I've been journaling for way longer. I just start writing and I write down the good of the day, some gratitude. I write down the crap of the day just to get it out. And then I just write. I write whatever comes, and I'm not on TikTok and I'm not on Instagram and I'm not checking my email. I've been sleeping better. And my goal is to

also do the same thing in the morning because I was on my phone last thing before bed, first thing in the morning. And again, even though I know that's not the best thing to do, it was kind of a habit. And now, even after three days of this journaling, I feel a shift. So start engaging in a short five to 10 minute journaling practice. Get a journal you really like, get a nice pen. I invested in some really nice pens. Uh, it's nice to like the utensil, the instrument you're using, right? To actually write. Gosh, writing down our feelings and thoughts is so kind to ourselves

and to others. And step five, brainstorm action steps. Review your journal entries and identify some key insights and patterns, and develop some specific actions or steps you can take to actually practice to improve communication, to foster harmony. Consider both internal action, so more self-reflection, um, external actions, initiating that conversation you've been putting off, seeking mediation, right? Depending on the level of conflict you might have with someone regarding communication, you might need to do different things. Come up with some clear action steps. And remember, before you take action, specifically around communication, consider your tone and approach. Reflect on how do you speak to yourself and other people.

Notice the impact of your tone and attitude on communication dynamics and aim to adopt a compassionate and empathetic tone in your own self-talk and in your interactions with others. This is so massive. I don't think we're often as aware of ourselves as we think. I had a really interesting experience when I was in a leadership program where I was told from a space of, like, I think the intention was for me to grow, that was the whole point of the program. But I was basically told that my face speaks even when I'm quiet. So, like when I was in a room of people and I was

a participant in this program, when I'm facilitating, I think this doesn't happen as much. But as a like student in class, if I'm in a group and someone's saying something that I think is kind of dumb, my face says that.

And I think a lot of people thought that I was kind of judgy, and they were right. And I was like, wow, the way we are says so much. So notice your face, notice your tone. Why did you do that? Versus, hey, I'm curious, what led you to do that? Is already so different. Just notice how that lands with you. Why are you late all the time? Hey, why'd you come late to dinner last week?

Consider your tone. Consider your face, consider your body language. It matters more than you think. And not everyone's gonna tell you that, but I'm telling you that because I was told that, and I'm really grateful. Step seven, implement in practice. Put your identified action step into practice one at a time. Do not try to overhaul everything about your communication with everyone all at once. It will not work, it'll overwhelm you. Try to be patient, kind to yourself as you navigate the process because this will be tough and you will mess up, and that's normal. Continuously evaluate, adjust your approach based on your outcomes and feedback that

you receive. Ask for feedback. What can I do better in my communication with you? What can I do better as a friend? Right? Keep evaluating. And if you notice that you've gotten some crappy feedback, try to be grateful for it and really get more curious. Okay, so that's not landing. You don't feel like I'm listening well to you. Can you give me a specific example? Because I really thought I was, and I'm sorry you don't feel that, but what specifically made you feel like I'm not listening to you? And then they'll tell you and then take note of that. So, like, track, track what you're learning.

That's why I love writing things down. You just look back and you're like, oh, okay, cool. Like getting a bit more data focused here can actually really help because when we don't write things down, we just forget. And step eight, visualize. Visualization is so powerful. Oh my gosh. Wow. And some people have an easier time with this than others, but with visualization, and particularly in this um with this topic, I want to invite you to visualize healthy exchanges. So take a moment, close your eyes, visualize engaging in a healthy exchange with a harmonious exchange with the person that you desire to have more harmony with. Imagine

the setting where this takes place, because that matters. Whether it's in person, which is always great if you can, maybe it's on the phone because they're far away. Feel into the emotions that arise during this interaction. How am I feeling? Am I calm? Am I happy? Am I is it just like easy? Do I feel connected? Visualize the positive outcomes of this exchange. Maybe you see yourselves hugging and traveling somewhere together. You see your bond is growing. Visualize what increased trust would look like, right? Visualize engaging in activities that strengthen your communication, your connection to this person, whatever that looks like. Just try to visualize as

much as you can. Remember, your brain cannot tell the difference because between what you visualize in your mind and what you see, it's amazing. And we can visualize anything. Oh my gosh. I spend so much time in my mind visualizing. I really do think that's why I've manifested as much as I have on the good front and on the not great front because I've often visualized pretty crappy things just because I was trained to. So we're rewiring, right? Right. By incorporating more visualization into your process, you just tap into the power of intention and you get a clear mental image of your desired outcome. This just

helps you align your actions and your mindset and just foster healthier and more harmonious connections within yourself and then with others. And I want that for you. I really do. And I'm gonna wrap by sharing one of my favorite questions. And if you know me, you might have heard me ask it. And if you don't, then this is my gift to you. This really shifted my life. I find this question to be extremely helpful, especially when I'm really pissed off and really confused and don't know what to do and don't know how to act. I ask, what would love do? What would love do? If love

was a being, if love was a person, what would love do? Another way to say that is what would compassion do right now? You got a text message and it's nasty and you want to freak out and write a book back? What would love do? You got fired in a crappy way. What would love do? You got cheated on What would love do? You feel sad because you're lonely. What would love do? Your dog got sick. What would love do? There is no bad time to ask this question. And you know what I found? That often love doesn't do anything. Love just lets it be. Often

the best answer is don't do anything yet. Because I don't know about you, but when I'm overly emotional, really upset, or really happy, the actions I take and even the answers that I come up with are not actually the ones that, like, once I get more into an equilibrium, that I'm like, oh yeah, that was that was something I think was a great decision. So sometimes love just allows you to be upset or sad or confused, giving ourselves space to inquire without the need to know and be right and get the right answer. If that is not masterful living, listening, I mean, I don't know what

is. So

what else? Yeah, no. I think this is it. Thank you for listening. I really, really, really, really hope this serves you. And your homework is to ask yourself what is one small thing that I can do today, starting today, that would help me ask great questions and start that. Also, if you don't have one, get a journal and a nice pen and run through this exercise I ran us through. Listen to it a few times, go back, re-listen to the questions, share this with someone who you feel like can benefit from starting to ask better questions. Because better questions will lead to better answers. Remember, ask

great questions, get great answers, ask crappy questions, ruin your life. All right, masterful listener. I'll see you next time.