Season 3 Finale: Rad's Legacy of Radical Love: Navigating Grief Slowly with Presence and Faith

Speaker 1 Welcome back, masterful listeners. This is the season finale of season three. It is a tribute to the love of my life, my best friend, my stoic teacher, my sweet baby rad, my compassionate canine companion who passed away on July 3rd of this year. This is an episode I truly hoped I would never have to record, but certainly not so soon. If you've been listening to the show, you know I've talked a lot about Rad, and I recorded an episode a few months back. I think it was called Radical Love and Radical Loss. And it was when Rad got diagnosed with his brain tumor, and I was

Speaker 1 really facing that. But I honestly didn't think that I would be recording a tribute show. Uh, it's been 33 days since Rad has passed and crossed that Rainbow Bridge. And I've been thinking about recording this every day. I've been wanting to do this for Rad, for me, and for really anyone out there who's grieving the loss of their dear soul pet. I always say Rad is my favorite person. To me, it really feels like I lost a child. I feel like I lost a child. I feel like I lost my best friend. I feel like I lost truly my greatest teacher. And what I know about

Speaker 1 Rad is that he wants me to be happy. He's here with me. I know his spirit is still here. And actually, as the days go on, I feel him more and more, not just near me, but in me. I'm wearing this beautiful necklace with his ashes. And I even have a pillow of him right here. Shout out to this awesome company. I think uh, I forgot what you're called. I think you're called all about vibes, but this is such a helpful thing for those grieving. I can kind of wrap my body around it and still feel rad. And you know what I've learned about grieving, and

Speaker 1 that's what we're gonna talk about today, is that it is the most convoluted human experience I have ever felt. So this episode, and I finally got myself in the chair to record it. This episode is for you, Rad. It's to honor your life, it's to honor the incredible gifts that you gave me. We only had 610 days together, which feels so unfair and so short. And yet, in that time, Rad, you taught me more than anyone and everyone in the 37 years prior, which is pretty profound. You are the first being who kept your soul contract with me with ruthless impeccability. And while I am still

Speaker 1 so devastated by the fact that you've left your body, I love you more every day. I am discovering parts of myself every day that I know have now come up and have integrated in me. Um, and there are things I always wanted to be that now I am, and it's because of you. So today I'm gonna share a bit about rad and what happened. I am going to also talk about grief and the connection between masterful listening, because of course we are here at the world's first super rad listening school. And I'm gonna share how masterful listening and how rad, who was the ultimate masterful listener,

Speaker 1 has been helping me through the most excruciating time of my life. And I really, really hope that this serves anyone and everyone out there who has pets, who's lost pets, who's in the process of grieving a pet, or even in the process of that anticipatory grief that I was in for quite a while.

Speaker 1 All right, let's do it.

Speaker 1 So, where do I even begin? And by the way, for those who've been listening to the show, thank you so much. I just realized this show is a year old. I started or I recorded my first episode on August 21st, I think, of last year. And it's August 6th. Also, it's my mom's birthday. So happy birthday, Mama Mila. Thank you also so much for being my biggest supporter through this time. The love and the compassion and the empathy you've given me has really, really helped. And thank you also to everyone else out there who's checked in, who's sent your love. There's a beautiful photo behind me

Speaker 1 if you're watching the video, and it's of Rad Radish. And he's so happy and he's looking out with his big smile. And this was a photo that I sent to the company where I order his food or ordered his food called MAVE. He loved his food. Oh boy, Rad had a big appetite. That's one of the things I loved about him. We both like to eat. And I switched his food probably about a year ago as I started researching more about the power and importance of nutrition for dogs, because obviously I wanted Rad to live as long as possible and to be healthy. And he was

Speaker 1 obsessed with MAVE. It was raw, fresh, organic, delicious food that got delivered. And when I let them know that I needed to stop my subscription, sadly, because he passed, I received the kindest, most beautiful email from them, to which I replied with my own email and I sent them a photo of him. And then a week later, this showed up. They had ordered me a beautiful framed photo that is inscribed with his name and such a kind message, and I just broke down in tears. It was so kind to have a company, people I didn't even know, do something so out of the ordinary and show

Speaker 1 so much love and so much compassion. And I love this image. And so I've hung it up. And um, yeah, so Rad's always with me here as I'm recording the show. He used to be sitting underneath me here, but now he's everywhere. So uh for those who know Rad, you know that Rad was the love of my life. I adopted him on a bit of a whim. Uh, for those who don't know Rad, you're gonna learn a little bit about Rad because Rad, I mean, Rad is Rad. I loved that his name uh suited him because he was the embodiment of cool and chill. And I'm

Speaker 1 wearing my first ever rad hat right now. I started rad hats two months before I met Rad. A big misconception this whole time is people always think I started rad hats after I met Rad, or I'm named Rad after the hats. But the truth is, I started Rad Hats because I loved the word rad and I wore a hat that I made, and everyone said it was rad, and it just made sense. And then rad comes into my life on a Sunday afternoon where I suddenly, after 37 years, realized I want to get a dog as a person that didn't like him ever. And I went

Speaker 1 to the shelter. Rad gently walked over to me and put his sweet face on my knee, and I knew I had to take him home, even though I had no idea what to do with him. But it was so easy, it has never been so easy for me to love anyone, and I have never loved anyone or been loved by anyone the way I experienced Rad. He truly, as I believe, so many dogs out there, just they unconditionally love, right? And and that is just a rare human experience. So Rad also inspired me and opened my heart up to loving dogs. Now, whenever I see dogs,

Speaker 1 I just see his face in them. And it's really beautiful because literally now I am so in love with dogs, and I think dogs are such angels that I'm kind of like, wow, there was this whole thing in the universe that I didn't understand that now I got as a gift. Thank you, Rad. I mean, had I not randomly had that thought to show up at the shelter and I hadn't adopted Rad, I guarantee I would have not gotten a dog and I wouldn't have gotten all the future dogs that I will get. And trust me and mark my words, I will adopt as many dogs

Speaker 1 in this life as humanly possible that I have space to take care of because they are truly incredible, and yet there's no one like Rad. So, masterful listeners, how am I gonna connect this episode, this season three finale, uh to what just happened? How is listening related to loss and grief and the lessons Rad taught me? Well, what's masterful listening all about? It's about being present fully with your life, with your environment, with the words you hear, with the sounds you hear, with everything, with the energy. We're often so distracted. And I can tell you that in the last 33 days since losing rad, and actually

Speaker 1 I counted today 45 days for me, because not only did I lose rad, but I've been severely injured this whole time to the point where I haven't been able to walk without a cane. I'm gonna share what happened there, but I have never been more present. I have never been more slow. I have never been more patient, and those were things I always said were not virtues, but I realized yesterday after a um a student in a class stayed late to speak to me, and I cried, I realized that for the first time in my life, I actually am truly slow and present and patient. And

Speaker 1 it took losing rad in the way that it happened, in the profoundly painful, traumatic, surprising way, and the aftermath of it has truly slowed me down and actually given me an appreciation for the slow pace that I always wanted to be more slow, I always appreciated slowing down. I've said this mantra, I am exactly perfectly on time because I really didn't like to be in a rush, but Svetlana has always been fast. I've been a fast talker, I've been a fast doer. My natural pace has been so fast that I was frustrated with slow people a lot. Really. I struggled listening when someone spoke too slow.

Speaker 1 I struggled collaborating with people when they moved too slow. I struggled having patience when the pace of life wasn't moving as fast as I'd like. I struggled having faith when things were moving slower than I'd like. And I've always struggled being present because, like you, I live in a world of a million distractions and so many things to do and so many places to be. But Rad was always slowing me down. He would stop a million times on our walks. Towards the end, when we would walk up the stairs to go on a walk, he'd just get to the carport and he would just sit there.

Speaker 1 He didn't even want to get in the car, he didn't even want to walk, he just wanted to sit there on the ground. And at first I was like, come on, Raddy, kind of pulling him along. And then I had this day where I just thought, why am I rushing him at all? I just sat, I just sat on the ground with him, just in the street. And by the way, this is gonna be an emotional one. So if you have a hard time listening when people are very emotional, buckle up and practice. It's a great skill to have. It's also a part of masterful listening.

Speaker 1 Right? Me and Rod just sat and smelled the air and watched the world.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I always knew what he was teaching me, but it's like it all clicked in when he left even more. I enjoyed every second with Rad. I was with him so deeply, I never left his side since his diagnosis, literally for an hour, since April 13th. We were together. And after the first week, when I noticed myself so devastated, I thought, okay, I don't want to spend the remainder of his life. At that point, they said his diagnosis means he has about six months. He only actually made it to three, which was obviously very devastating. But I thought, you know what? No, I'm not gonna spend

Speaker 1 my days waiting for him to die. And I don't believe he died. I've even I've not used that word at all. But you know, it felt like a death, a passing. You don't see someone's body anymore. I can't pet him or walk with him. But I didn't want to think about that all the time. I wanted to be present. So honestly, we just had the greatest time together. Anytime I would feel myself getting distracted with his seizures or his impending passing, I would just bring myself back. And that is the epitome of what masterful listening is all about. So as you listen today and you notice

Speaker 1 yourself getting distracted, come back. If you notice yourself crying or laughing or feeling great, feel that, be with it, stay with it. There are no bad and wrong feelings, especially around grief. And that is something I think is really important to talk about because I think a lot of people really misunderstand grief. I never understood it. I don't think we can understand something that we've not been through, and I've never lost a pet. I've never understood what it really looks like to spend every single moment of your life with someone that you love so much, and then to come home and be alone and be in

Speaker 1 silence and face this new reality that you're never gonna see the being you love the most. I mean, this is by far the greatest loss of my life. And I just turned 39, and my only birthday wish was to be with Rad. And it seemed very realistic since he was fine. He was doing great. After his first seizure, we got on meds, and for two months he didn't even have another one. And then suddenly he had two back to back. And again, I looked at the meds and I changed up some stuff and I hoped for the best and tried to be present. And then the

Speaker 1 one that ultimately led him to pass the night of the third, it started at about 720 p.m. when I took him out on a walk, and it just wouldn't stop for hours and hours. And I learned that night as I was laying on the floor with him of the hospital, holding him,

Speaker 1 I learned what it means to love someone so much that you let them go, because I could not have Rad suffer anymore. He was in pain, he was in anguish, and because his seizure lasted so long, there was no way he was gonna come out of that and be okay. And despite the fact that I would have done anything to even have another day, I couldn't do that. I really feel Raddy that you taught me unconditional love. Because in my other relationships in my life where I've really loved people, I never wanted to let them go. It was so hard for me to let them go.

Speaker 1 This was the first time that despite letting him go, felt like my entire universe was ending and collapsing. My love for him was stronger and it's continued to be stronger. And I'm so grateful for that experience because I also realized how blessed am I to have had this love. Some people never love this way. So I would adopt Rad. He was almost nine, and I didn't know. I didn't get it. People would say, Oh, you're so nice. You adopted a senior dog. I didn't know enough about dogs to even understand why that was so nice. But let me tell you, I would adopt Rad a million

Speaker 1 times again because despite the cataclysmic loss, the love, the radical love is so much bigger. And I will keep adopting senior dogs. And I encourage all of you out there, if you've ever wanted to adopt a doggy, A, do it, and B adopt a dog at whatever age that you feel called to adopt a dog at. Meaning, don't let age be a factor in it because it's so hard and it's so sad when they go. But again, those 610 days were the best 610 days of my life. And when I look at it as wow, I just got 610 days of the greatest joy and love

Speaker 1 in the universe, versus wow, why did I lose rad after just 610 days? Depending on how I I ask myself that question, it totally changes the feeling, the energy, and really, you know, as I say, the questions we ask determine our whole life. I've been asking a lot of questions because I'm always looking for lessons. And I've known Rad as my greatest teacher. I called him my stoic master, my Dharma teacher. He had his little beard. He was older. Rad was like about 68-ish in dog, well, human years as a dog. So, you know, he had wisdom and I knew it. And I'm going to share

Speaker 1 now a bit about what's happened to me through the grieving process. And I just really invite you to listen from a place of compassion, but not in any way to feel bad for me. I want to make that really clear. I don't feel bad for me. I feel a lot of compassion for me. I feel a lot of empathy towards me. And I feel so much compassion and empathy towards anyone out there. And I know there's so many people who lose animals. I'm so sorry. I had no idea how hard it was. I don't think we talk about it enough. I've heard people say things like,

Speaker 1 oh, it's just a dog, like get another dog, which by the way, I am adopting another dog. But it's not replace, you can't replace one being with another, right? And also, God, I mean, loss sucks. All right, let's just be real. Losing anyone sucks. Losing anything can suck too. But I am for rad choosing to focus on what I'm gaining and not what I'm losing. Because I gotta tell you, what I'm gaining is pretty profound.

Speaker 1 So about 10 days before Rad passed, I woke up, it was June 23rd, and my right knee was completely inflamed. I could barely move it. I hadn't had an injury, I hadn't fallen, I hadn't tripped. It was a bit odd. My body started doing something. It hurt. I got a knee brace and hoped it would get better. The next day, my left foot, when I woke up, was in so much pain that I could barely put any pressure on it. Like the arch of my foot was, it hurt so bad. It was like I'd sprained it, but I hadn't. I'd been having trouble sleeping because Rad

Speaker 1 was a bit agitated at night. I was definitely stressed about that. I could feel after his two seizures that he had, once I had to put him on a little bit of a steroid, his agitation, you know, I could feel it. So I thought, wow, my body must just be reacting to him. I was still walking him, even though it really hurt me to walk. At that point, I wasn't using a cane yet because at that point my back hadn't gone out. The next day, after the knee and the foot, my lower back went out to the point where I could barely move. Now, this lasted

Speaker 1 all up until the third. So the day that I woke up that I didn't know would be my last day with Rad. When I woke up, I lost consciousness. Then I slowly got up and it happened again and then again. So that morning, I lost consciousness three times. I fell over and I actually fell over very dangerously. I hit a very large metal lamp that fell, and I was actually so grateful that it didn't hit me or rad. I figured it was the stress of my injuries and just of life. I didn't think much of it more than that because I didn't really have a reason

Speaker 1 to. Looking back now, my body knew before I did that Rad was getting ready to leave. Since that night, which I'm not going to go into the details of that night, but I'm going to say that Rad started having a seizure. I ended up having to rush him to the hospital because after about an hour and a half of being with him and watching it, and I knew how to handle seizures, I knew that this was really bad. Now I am severely injured at this point. I'm barely able to walk. I had a cane. An old lady saw me stumbling around and gave me her cane.

Speaker 1 Talk about a humbling, loving moment. And I love that cane now. Even though at the beginning I was really uncomfortable using a cane, I think I had some thoughts of like, oh, I look disabled or whatever. And that was a really interesting thing to overcome, too, because thank God for canes and wheelchairs. I've been in that as well recently. I'll get to that in just a moment. But that night when Rad was in his seizure that wouldn't end, I had to carry him up and down stairs. I had to get him in the car. I had to get him out of the car. At the end,

Speaker 1 when he was super agitated in the hospital, I was crawling around on my knee that was busted up. I was in full-blown mom mode. You know, I wasn't thinking about my body, which was clearly inflamed. And then when I left the hospital without him and went home for the first time ever, where I live alone, and it all started to hit me, my body continued to collapse to the point where it has now been six weeks. And in that time, I got to the point where I was in so much pain. I had shooting pain in the entire lower half of my body, starting with my

Speaker 1 hips down, my lower back. The pain got so bad, it felt like my entire body was on fire and something was ripping me apart from the inside, is the only way I can really describe it. I've never experienced pain like this before. And I was scared. I was screaming in the middle of the night because I couldn't move. I couldn't get up to go get ibuprofen. I couldn't get up to go get water. And again, I live alone. So here I am alone, and my body gives out on me, and there's no explanation. It got so bad that I ended up in the ER. I mean,

Speaker 1 I got scared. I didn't know what was going on with me. I've been to the doctor since I've done blood work. Um, my inflammation factors are real high. And I've talked to Western doctors, I've talked to acupuncturists, I've talked to healers, and essentially in my own research, grief apparently, and now I see this because I've been living it. My grief has literally made my body feel the same way as if I'd gotten hit by a bus. My ankle is sprained. I have a baker cyst in my knee, which means there's a buildup of fluid that then burst, which sent pain that I can't describe down my

Speaker 1 um calf and then inflamed my right ankle. I've barely been able to sleep or sit or walk comfortably. In the last couple of days, my neck is so sore I can't turn my head, which I chose to see as a sign from the universe saying, just look forward. And you know, I'm a fast person. So for me, limping around in pain while grieving emotionally and mentally, uh to say it's humbled me is a well, it doesn't capture it, but it has humbled me. It slowed me down so much that every time people say, one step at a time, I go, yeah, one limp at a time.

Speaker 1 Because I can't even crawl, because crawling means you can put weight on your knee. So I am moving at a pace that is so slow that truly I feel like Rad from beyond, even though it feels so intense and kind of cruel that this is how I learn. He slowed me down. It's like I'm learning to find my footing in life again because he was my footing. Rad grounded me, his soul lessoned to me, and I knew this, but I knew this even more when I started working with an animal communicator. Shout out to Julie. You've been really supportive. Thank you. Um, I'm gonna have Julie

Speaker 1 on the show next season. She's an incredible woman I met who does animal communication. I started working with her when Rod was still here, and I knew in the first session with her that she was communicating with him because the things she was saying, she didn't know anything about him. And they were just so spot on. And I'm a spiritual person. You know, I joke that I'm mid woo, meaning I'm always a bit skeptical, but I definitely believe in psychic abilities because I have them and I know clairvoyance is real, and I talk a lot about spirit and energy, and here's my chance to truly see

Speaker 1 do I have faith in what I have spoken about? And there's days where I've struggled with it, and yet I know Rad is with me. I feel him, I've spoken to him, I've gotten messages from him, and I know that he came here to teach me to slow down, to be present, to be patient, and have faith. But that slow lesson is the thing that I've needed to learn my whole life. I remember my first boss, Lisa, saying, Svet slow and steady wins the race. I remember running into a door when I was in the corporate world because I was rushing somewhere and I literally ran

Speaker 1 into a door and fell back. I have practiced slowing down. I have created mantras. This has been top of mind. And yesterday, what made me cry in a class was I had a student who had been in a class about uh two months ago. And when I teach my classes, I always introduce myself and I have a photo of me and Rad, and I always say that Rad is my greatest teacher because it's true, and I've been doing this forever, for as long as I had him. And when I introduce Rad now, I still say that Rad is my greatest teacher, but I tell my students

Speaker 1 that he recently passed. And I do this for a few reasons. First of all, I want to model vulnerability. Uh yeah, we all have things going on in our life, and I think it's better, at least for me, to be open and vulnerable about it. At the beginning, I did it because I was honestly terrified that I was gonna have a breakdown in the middle of a class. So I thought if I at least told people they'd kind of know. That didn't happen, actually. The first class after I taught was really hard. Um, I was shaking, I was sweating, I was nervous, and I am not

Speaker 1 those things typically. But I was also in a lot of pain, like physical pain. It was hard to sit in the chair. And just when I shared that about Rad, I didn't spend too much time. I say it really quickly, and I always tie it to the topic because the truth is Rad and his lessons are literally related to every single thing that I teach, because every single thing that I teach is somehow connected to deeper listening, being present, building better relationships. Like he truly is, he's like imprinted on me. And I've been sharing that. So I shared this with my class yesterday, and this gentleman

Speaker 1 stayed after, and he he said, you know, there's two things that you've mentioned in your classes, and I wanted to make sure I wrote them down correctly because they really resonated with me. And I said, of course. And one was about listening and one was about questions. And I'm gonna share this with you because it's very connected to the whole purpose of this show. He said that the thing that I said about listening that really landed was that uh for a person who talks so much about listening, I sure do a lot of talking. And I'm like, yep, that's why I'm creating a podcast about listening

Speaker 1 because I know it's something that I have to always and I want to improve. And then the other thing he said he wrote down was the power of asking great questions. I did an episode this season called Ask Great Questions, get great answers, ask crappy questions, ruin your life. And it's true. And I mentioned that with Rad's passing, I'd really leaned into paying attention to the questions that I'm asking. And I want to just remind you to focus on what questions are you asking? Because let me tell you, anytime that I've asked myself, why is this happening? Why is he gone? I felt horrible. But when

Speaker 1 I've asked myself, and I have, what am I gonna do today to honor Rad? What am I gonna do today to have a rad day? How am I gonna incorporate Rad into everything I do? Those questions have uplifted me. And those were actually the questions that inspired me in the first couple of days after he passed, which by the way, he chose to leave me the night before Independence Day. Waking up alone on Independence Day, a day by the way, he would have hated because he hated fireworks, and he did that on purpose. I thought, wow, Rad, you've given me my independence. So, what would a

Speaker 1 rad day look like? Because I was terrified that when Rad passed, that I would fall into a dark hole and never come out. That was a really legit concern. And I couldn't do that because that wouldn't be a rad day. That's not what Rad would do, would want me to do. And so, despite the fact that I could barely move, I got out of bed. I used my cane and I went out and I made it to a tea shop where I met a beautiful angel, owner of this tea shop called Woo Way in Fairfax, California, Tracy. And I shared with her about Rad and we

Speaker 1 hugged and we talked, and she said something to me or asked me a question that was so I mean it was the perfect question, but really got me thinking, and it stayed with me since, and I want to share it with you. She said that if two years ago somebody would have come to you and said, Hey, guess what? In just a little bit of time, you are gonna meet the love of your life. It is gonna be the most beautiful, unconditional, incredible, life-altering love that you've ever had. And you are gonna have the best days in the universe and learn so much and grow so

Speaker 1 much. But then in a year and a half, they're gonna die, they're gonna pass. But you, you're gonna, you're not gonna die, you're gonna stay. What would you say? And I said, uh, I would say, hell no, that sounds horrible. Why would someone offer such a horrible scenario? And then she looked at me and said, Well, what would you say now? And I just knew I'd say, I would, of course, I would do it again. I would do it again. And it was so cool to realize that. Like, I'm so glad I didn't know in advance. I'm so glad, even that that day that I woke

Speaker 1 up and passed out three times that I didn't know that was our last day, because honestly, we barely did anything that day. I couldn't walk. I was sitting with Rad. I was icing my knee and my foot. It was interesting though, he wasn't sitting with me as much. He was sitting behind me. I feel like in some way he was preparing me, but we just had a nice day. We just chilled. My favorite thing to do with Rad was nothing. I'd always say, Hey, Rad, you want to chill really hard? And we just hang out. I loved how mellow he was. He was so laid back.

Speaker 1 He was my perfect man. I always joked that Rad was the man I'd been looking for my whole life. He had a cute little beard, he was super relaxed, he was very smart, he liked to hang out with me, he liked to eat together, he liked to snuggle. Like that's pretty much the perfect man in my world. I just didn't think he'd be a dog. But in this life, he was. In the next life, if I get to choose, I'd like to be his dog. Um, so anyway, back though, to what this gentleman said in my class. How is that to follow my uh uh detour

Speaker 1 of thought? For those of you who don't know, RAD stands for really awesome detour. So, again, as you're masterfully listening, I'll remind you I started sharing what my students said, and he mentioned these two things about listening and asking questions. And then he said this, and this is what got me super emotional and made me cry. He said, I remember the last class that we had when Rad was still alive, when he was here, and you introduced yourselves, and I remember you had this massive energy. You were so loud and bright, and you spoke so fast, and I I really, I really appreciated that. I really

Speaker 1 loved it. And today, when you introduced yourself, I could feel you were different. You you were slower, your energy was totally different. But I want to tell you, I really liked it too. I really appreciated it. He said it felt like you were like a slow burning candle versus some big spark or firework. And the reason in that I tried to kind of hold back my tears, because you know, this is a professional kind of setting, but I also didn't because I think emotion is so valid and it makes sense that we get emotional, especially around grief. But why what he said was so profound that

Speaker 1 he'll never even know. I mean, unless he hears this show, is for as long as I can remember, I've been saying that I've always been this firework energy, just this big and bright, which is why often people have said, oh, Svet, you're too much, you're too loud, you're too intense. And that's been a hard thing for me to navigate. And also I know that what I appreciate in a person is range, multidimensionality. I love that I can be a firework sometimes, but what was harder for me and what I wanted to discover within myself because I felt like it was almost dormant, was that slow burning

Speaker 1 fire energy that goes through the night. That candle energy. So this man saying that he could feel that my energy was that slow burning candle was rad. It was a sign, it was like, mom, the thing you've always wanted to be, you now are. And um, I'm so grateful for that. I've really noticed, I don't know if you're noticing, I speak slower now. Something in me just slowed down, and I like it. I don't even care if other people think I'm intense or not, or slow or fast, honestly. I've not ever been a person too concerned with how other people feel about me, but I've definitely

Speaker 1 been more concerned about that than I'd like. And this pace feels good now. So thank you, Rad, for really slowing me down in a way where I say. Appreciate that now when I use my cane and limp across the street, that discomfort that I felt the first couple of weeks, like, oh my gosh, everybody's looking at me. I gotta speed it up. I walk even slower. Because I'm not gonna hurt myself and rush based on an assumption in my mind that I'm upsetting someone or making someone else uncomfortable. No, I'm not gonna do that anymore. And I hope you don't do that anymore either. I hope

Speaker 1 you find a pace, whether it means you slow down or you speed up that feels right for you. Because more than ever, I see how precious life is and how in a second everything can change. And running through it, rushing past it, not actually being in it, I thought I don't want that. But for me to honor rad is to be with every single experience, even the excruciating pain of all of this. And that's what I want to mention about grief to people. There is no right way to grieve. I don't believe it. I think grieve in any way that feels right to you. So for

Speaker 1 me, I got myself all kinds of rad pillows. I have like seven rads, and I bring them with me where I go. I have his ashes with me. I wear the little headscarf that he had. I talk to him, I sing to him. There are some people with whom sometimes I talk about him and cry. Most people I choose not to do that with because it doesn't feel right. Um, I even got on an airplane and went to Hawaii the week after he passed. I didn't post about it on social media. I didn't talk about it much. The reason I did that was because I was

Speaker 1 invited to by a friend with three dogs who needed someone to stay at the house to watch the dogs and thought it might help me heal. It was very hard for me to be alone. And I was in a wheelchair at the airport on the way. I was terrified. I even moved the trip last minute because I was afraid to get on a plane. I was in that much pain, but I did it. And I'm glad I went, even though it was the most bizarre way to go to Hawaii. I thought being near the ocean, being in the ocean in a place, the big island is

Speaker 1 my second home. I haven't been able to get back there since I had Rad, because you can't bring dogs on the island. And it almost felt like Rad was sending me off to my favorite place as another gift, which I would have taken him over that a million times. But I thought getting in the ocean when your knees and feet and back hurt is like the best thing you can do. It's harder for me to get in the Pacific Ocean. Now I'm more drawn to heat for my body than cold. So I made it all the way there. I spent a week with these dogs and

Speaker 1 it it did help. But I found myself limping on that island, being in so much pain that I could barely go anywhere. And almost every beach that I went to, it took me an hour to get from my car to the shore because it's very rocky and you had to walk. And all but one place I went, I couldn't actually go in. So imagine this moment. I find the strength to get on that plane to Hawaii. And I know that might sound funny, like, oh, it's so hard to get to Hawaii, but just getting in the car to get to the airport was brutal. Just walking

Speaker 1 to the gate, I mean, I have so much compassion with people with chronic pain right now. I mean, I couldn't walk. They gave me a wheelchair, and it was funny because on the way there in the wheelchair, I was so uncomfortable. On the way back, I'm like, gimme that wheelchair. Thank you to disability services that exist. Thank you to wheelchairs. Thank you also, I gotta say, United Airlines, you haven't always done things that I'm a fan of, but in this case, you rebooked my ticket four times because I had to keep moving it because I just I wasn't well. You upgraded me to a seat where

Speaker 1 I actually had room. The wheelchair service was helpful. I actually felt like with someone with a disability at the moment, I got treated really well. So I do want to acknowledge that. Um, but I got there in that wheelchair, made the flight, pushed through so much pain. My ankle actually swelled up worse in Hawaii. And I got to the shore, and when I saw the rocks and the waves, I knew I couldn't get in. And I sat there on that shore, right feet from the ocean that I'd flown a very long time to get to, and I couldn't go in. And I cried because it well,

Speaker 1 it was so frustrating. Like seriously, I can't even do the thing that I literally flew five hours and put myself through all this discomfort to do. No, but I did end up finding a little place where you could very, very, very, very slowly walk in that was like a little inlet. So I was able to get in the water. And just getting away for those days was helpful to just not be at home because everything reminded me of rad. And then I got back, and the next day was my birthday, and it was by far the saddest birthday I've ever had. I didn't want to celebrate.

Speaker 1 It just, yeah, it didn't feel right, so I didn't. Why am I sharing this? Because I chose to go to Hawaii, even though it was a really hard trip, it did alleviate some pain. I chose not to celebrate my birthday. I have had mostly I've been alone. And it's been hard to be alone, but also I'm really grateful because I've just been able to like fully cry and scream and baw, and I'm not worried about anyone. And I'm giving myself permission to feel both tremendous pain, but also incredible love. I went to a pet support group that was kind of helpful, but realized not for me.

Speaker 1 So I tried. Um, and mostly I've just embraced being in pain all the time. I don't recommend it. Um, but I also realized fighting pain doesn't work. So the more I've actually embraced um that my body's on it, it hurts. My body is inflamed. Um, the more I keep it slow. I got a second cane. I don't like um, what are they called? The things that you um crutches because they hurt my underarms. So I got two canes. I even ordered a beautiful hand-carved cane with uh a message for Rod because I want to keep using the cane, if not just to remind me to keep

Speaker 1 slowing down, because I'm hoping at some point I will walk again and I'll dance again.

Speaker 2 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 1 You know, in some dark moments when I've really cried, because it's really hard to actually see yourself limping around. I'm 39 and I feel like I'm 90. I it takes me a long time to stand, it takes me a long time to sit. Like I am, it hurts to be in my body, and in moments I cry, but you know, I'm nice to myself now. I have to say, Rod has also showed me through this grief that I have I've changed, like I've rewired my brain. When I get sad and down, I don't spiral nearly as much as I do. I just breathe. And the more

Speaker 1 I breathe, and the more I slow down, and the more I accept just what is, even though it hurts, the better I start to feel. So my body is feeling a little better today. I've been doing acupuncture. I found a great healer who's been doing some massage and physical therapy, some energy work. I've gotten blood work done. I am taking a shit ton of ibuprofen and tylenol because my inflammation is super high. I've started juicing turmeric. I've cut down on smoking because smoking at times in my life has really helped me ground, and I know that's not healthy, but I'm letting myself do it because I

Speaker 1 get to grieve how I want. And so do you. I'm also looking for signs. I'm asking for signs. I asked Rad to send me a sign that I know he's okay because I just needed to know he was okay. And on Independence Day, that first day, when I was at the tea shop, I saw a woman who looked like she was doing tarot readings and had a deck of cards. And I walked over and started talking to her. And she had something called a tea leaf set of cards. This is something I'm not familiar with, but I said, What are those? And she said, Oh, well,

Speaker 1 they're sort of like signs from the universe to look out for. And I said, Oh, that's interesting. Can can you pick one for me? And there were 200 cards in her hand. She shuffled them, she picked one, she looked at it and she was like, Oh, wow. And she showed it to me and it said, dog. It said dog, and it said, this card is no is showing you that you have a loyal companion and protector with you. And I just cried, and I was like, Rad, if this is not a sign, then I don't know what is. So again, like I've said before, when you

Speaker 1 look for magic, you find it. I am looking for Rad everywhere, and he is everywhere. And I cry every day, and sometimes my tears are really sad, but often now they're happy. I think of his cute face and how he just did not like to smile and he did not like photos. So anytime I put a camera in Rad's face, he literally turned around and I felt like that was him saying, Yo, mom, get off the phone, be present. Um, I just I don't know, it's kind of cool. In 30 days, I'd say 50-50 now, half my tears are like sorrow and I miss him, and

Speaker 1 half of them are just gratitude because every day I wake up and I look outside and I see the view and I see the swing bed where we used to lay together. And now those memories are starting to fill my heart more than just feel like I'm missing. And the thing is, I will be grieving Rad forever. I know this, and I believe in time it will shift. And one thing I know that's going to help with that, that I also want to share, which is kind of exciting, is that Rad has sent me a doggie. Rad told me through Julie, the communicator, but also I

Speaker 1 knew this that he he wants me to have another doggy and many dogs. My work with doggies isn't done, but that it had to be it, I have to know. I didn't want to adopt another dog just to fill my hole in sadness. For those who know my work as a mental wealth advocate, I deeply advocate that we must feel our emotions and process, that trying to stuff them away or pretend everything's good, it just doesn't work. That's not who I'm gonna be. But I knew that in the right time, when I knew that I met my next soulmate that Rad would send me, that I

Speaker 1 would know. And well, he showed up, and his name is I wish I had a drum. I'm knocking on my table. I don't know if you can hear that. Um, well, his name is Mellow. When I saw the name Mello, I knew because Rad was Mellow. Mello is slow and calm and chill. And uh Mellow's also super rad. I met him. He's a big boy, he's he's different from Rad, but there's something about them. They feel like brothers, and I feel like they're literally working together to stabilize me, to continue to teach me love, finding my own pace, living a mellow and rad life. I mean,

Speaker 1 honestly, there's not a lot that sounds better to me than that. And I'm also so grateful to Darren, who is Mellow's foster mom, Darren and Dennis. They were so kind that after I met Mellow at the shelter in Oakland, I couldn't bring him home because literally I can't walk. And I was so sad because I thought, oh no, I'm I'm meeting this dog, and I know that this is like Rad's brother, but I can barely move. And they were so kind, and they said, you know what, we'll take care of him for a few more weeks while you get better. So the only way that this

Speaker 1 whole thing has worked is because the universe keeps sending me angels. Rad sent me Mello and Darren and Dennis, Rad also, the way he passed, and everything that's happened with my body, because I know part of this breakdown in my legs is energy. If you read about the parts of our body and the emotions that they're connected to, feet, knees are all about problems moving forward in life. Of course, I'm scared to move forward in life. I am literally about to enter the unknown without the love and grounding that I felt. All of my love chemicals were also depleted. My system was flooded with cortisol and

Speaker 1 adrenaline. Stress causes inflammation, and inflammation does this. So I also want you out there to remember: please take care of yourself. Please take care of yourself today, so that when things do get harder, you have more of a habit of taking care of yourself. Because I gotta say, wow, am I humbled? Wow, do I appreciate what our bodies do now that I've barely been able to use mine? And thank you, arms. Literally every day, I'm like, hands, arms, I love you. Thank you, you got me. Thank you, core. Because if it hadn't been for my arms and my core, I would have literally been in a

Speaker 1 wheelchair the whole time. So at least I've been able to hold myself up with my arms. And thank you, legs. You're doing your best. Thank you, knees. Thank you, feet, thank you, back, thank you. My body is doing its best to heal. Um, and thank you, Mello, for coming into my life and for being such a good boy. My plan is that hopefully I'll be able to pick him up this weekend. But if I'm not physically ready yet, then uh thank you to my best friend Anastasia for agreeing to uh take care of Mello while I'm better. I feel really supported um by a few people

Speaker 1 in my life. And also, that's another thing I want to start to wrap with. In the first week that I was dealing with Rad's loss, I literally had not a single visitor. I was literally all alone, and it was very sad and it was very confusing. And the old version of me that I know very well, but I know is literally now an older version, would have made up a million stories about no one cares about me, no one loves me, I'm all alone. But this version of me, and by the way, I was very sad to be facing things alone, but I knew that the

Speaker 1 reason I ended up being alone was it was a holiday weekend. Literally, most of the people in my life that would have been here were gone. It really felt like the universe wanted me to know what it was like to do this alone, but to discover that I could and to learn to ask for help. So I took the cane and I took the wheelchair. And when another friend, Min Min, thank you so much if you're listening, offered to drive food from Berkeley to Sausolito for me and drop off some bone broth, I wanted to say no because it's so far, but I said yes because

Speaker 1 I thought, you know what? I'm gonna receive the help and the love that I do have. And thank you, Becky, my dear friend, who even though you're far away in New York, you called me like every single day and you cried with me, and I could feel how much you cared. You know, just thank you to everyone. I'm not gonna name everyone, but the point is, I was able to, for the first time in my life, focus on the love and support I was getting versus wasn't. And that I like that. I want to keep being that person.

Speaker 1 Is there anything left to say?

Speaker 1 Rad, I hope wherever you are, you're eating all the blueberries and chilling super hard, and that your body no longer hurts, and you're just so happy, and I'm so excited to see you one day. It's gonna be so rad, and I will honor you by continuing to record this show. This is gonna wrap season three. I'm gonna take a little break and then I'm gonna continue. This show has been the first thing in my life that was a long dream, a long-term dream that I finally uh created and that I will keep creating. And even though I took these, I don't even know, six weeks off,

Speaker 1 I knew that it was a pause. I let myself pause because I couldn't do it. I was in grief. I didn't judge myself for it, and I knew that when I was ready and finally today was the day that I would record the show and it would be exactly perfectly on time. So thank you if you're still listening. Thank you for being here for um a really hard episode to create. But I'm smiling because I'm so glad as I'm sitting here with my ratty that I did it. And I hope this inspires you, if you're in grief, to ask yourself what you can do today to

Speaker 1 honor and love whoever you've lost in yourself, because I know that those who love us and those who um have left us, who love us, want us to be well. And that doesn't mean you have to feel happy, but it also doesn't mean that you can't. I've been allowing myself to enjoy the moments with Mello that I have and then drive home and feel like absolute garbage. I've been allowing myself to surf all the waves and to feel sometimes like I'm drowning, but to know that I got it. I'm just gonna float along. I'm just gonna limp along until I can hopefully go from the two

Speaker 1 canes to the one to the no-cane to the walking slow. And I'm gonna tell you, the day that I can salsa dance again, that'll be such a rad day. And I'll record a show about what it looks like to come back from a really severe um physical injury because now I have that as a human experience. So your homework to honor rad, and please, please do this, is

Speaker 1 slow it down today. Go outside, smell the air, do something that you usually rush through a little slower. Ask yourself, is it worth the rush? And if the answer is no, make a different choice. Maybe take a really awesome detour, discover something unexpected, maybe visit a shelter and let yourself fall in love with a dog or a cat. Um, maybe tell someone you love that you love them. And with that, I thank you. May you have a very mellow and rad life until we meet again. Bye, masterful listeners, and thank you very much for listening. I love you, Rad.